Monday, November 27, 2006

The Beer Fairy

There was a reported sighting of one of the most elusive of mythical creatures, The Beer Fairy, in my neighborhood last night. The reports were vague, but by all accounts, this mythical creature descended on Broad Street and looked in on the Tiki Bar. The lights were out. The radio was silent. So, The Beer Fairy waited. And Waited.

Now let us pause for a moment, and put things into perspective. The Beer Fairy had heard the unspoken, yet heartfelt plea for the nectar of the gods, and the recipient was more than worthy, as proven by his genuine offer to share his last beer with a neighbor. This kind of selfless behavior does not go unnoticed by the realm of the fantastic. The immortals actively seek out those of exemplary conduct and who are pure of heart and tend to reward them, as they see fit. Now it takes a little bit for immortals to get around to doing anything, (It would take a little bit to get YOU moving if you had all eternity to get around to something. I’m just sayin’.) And it was a little late when The Beer Fairy was dispatched to deliver the justly deserved nectar. All was quiet, and although The Beer Fairy is well skilled in the use of charms and spells, The Beer Fairy is no longer willing to do any Breaking & Entering to achieve his goals, not with his previous record on file in Baltimore, regardless of the threats of the rest of the immortals.

So, The Beer Fairy waits. He cannot return to the realm of the fantastic without carrying out his duty, yet, there is no one to let him in. He cannot “wish” The beer into the ‘fridge. Make no mistake, The Beer Fairy is powerful, but the ability to “wiggle his nose” at something and make it happen is beyond him.

So, The Beer Fairy waits. Now, since The Beer Fairy’s realm of influence covers the nectar of the gods, or Budweiser in this case, it turns out that The Beer Fairy has more than a passing fancy for the stuff. It is understandable, if you were immortal, wouldn’t you cultivate a taste for beer? I would.

The night is chilly, not downright cold, but chilly. So with the justification that one acquires when one is immortal, The Beer Fairy decides to drink one of the beers that he has brought, just to chase away the chills, and await further developments.

An unseen crow caws at him and a dog barks in the distance. The vigil is becoming lonesome as the clouds slide across the sliver of moon. So he has another. His seat is becoming intolerably cold and his joints are stiff from his wait, so he has another.

Before you can say, “Peter Piper picked out a pickled six pack,” that darn Fairy had plowed through a (um…1, 2, 3, 4,…8!) one third of a case of beer.

He was ashamed of his conduct. He was, after all, THE Beer Fairy! He had a name and a reputation to consider. He had dedicated all of eternity to delivering beer to the truly deserving. He knew that he didn’t get the press that the tooth fairy got, and he had a LONG way to go to be ensconced in the pantheon.

He thought about it for a very long time. Six to eight seconds. Then He flew off with the passing thought, “I’m immortal, what can they do to me? ‘Sides, he’ll find it in the morning.”



  1. I wanna see that on the back page of the New Yorker. Get to it, dude.

    TBF should flit on down here if he wants a bit o' warmer air. He and I could sit and chew the fat for awhile and recall halcyon times gone by.

  2. Elizabeth: I would love to hear all about your torrid affair.

    BO: The Beer Fairy only comes to see those who are truly deserving and pure of heart. We all know you deserve a visit, but the pure of heart thing might be a bit of a snag.

    Flan: Thank you Dear.


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