the tangled webs we weave - part VI

Mandy and I went to the club for the DJ set Chris was promoting. Once again, I happened to get too drunk and stayed way too long...it is now 2:58 a.m.

Darius was there again, too, and I confessed to him how I felt about Chris and without going into detail, Darius told me to give up on it. The hurt I was looking so greatly to avoid looks as though it is the only inevitable end to this. I may be manipulated, "played by the playa", I be mooched from, I may be used. They are not doing very well right now, financially or personally. It is a great time for me to hussle my way into the picture and it is just as horrible a time at that.

So how much hurt can I handle? It is really going to be about her in the end, even though I am a much more dynamic person? Can I just be "flirting friends" until he figures out how much more extraordinary I am than what he has?

There were a lot of people there tonight and he didn't have much time to flirt with me; all we did was play "staring contest" a few times. He watched me dance, like he always does.

We were out in the car smoking before I left and he again kissed me goodbye. Again, he opened his mouth but I didn't open mine. I will next week now that I know to expect that from him and see how far I can get him to go with me. A tongue down the throat would be satisfactory.

The problem for poor Chris is that I'm smarter than him, and the need for self-preservation will prevent me from being manipulated. He needs to be afraid that I may manipulate him, which the more I think about it becomes a better I could have fun with this....and maybe end up with him anyway.

My brain is stronger than my heart, always has been. I will do my best to not get hurt and fight for what I want anyway. I have to fight foreverything else, why not this, too?