Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Phrases Men Fear

1. I'm pregnant. 2. I'm sure it's yours. 3. Where were you on the night of ... 4. Number Four, step forward and say "Gimme all the cash in the drawer". 5. Yes, I am sure it's loaded. 6. The safety isn't on. 7. Those aren't Christmas lights behind your car. 8. Yes, that does look like an S.T.D. 9. Yes, the fuse is lit. 10. Time for your prostate exam. 11. No, I ain't ever had Rover checked for rabies. 12. Funny you should say that, I thought your kid looked like the mailman too. 13. Now let's get started on that audit. 14. Well, at least you have one testicle left. 15. I told you that nailgun/chainsaw/bear trap was a bit tricky. 16. No, your hair wil never grow back. 17. What do you mean by "That girl you left the bar with was a tranvestite?" 18. Would the foreman hand over the jury's verdict? 19. Isn't that your wife blowing the hobo? 20. Bend over, this won't hurt a bit. 21. I think the condom broke. 22. You are overdrawn by $12,283.64, it says so right here. 23. Till Death do you part. 24. Those aren't tic-tacs, those are my birth control pills. 25. You check the bungee to see if it's too long. 26. We are out of beer. 27. You have the right to remain silent. 28. That is going to need a LOT of stiches. 29. Well at least one half of your face wasn't blown off. 30. Honey, what are you going to do with that ax? 31. The cave-in has us trapped and we are running out of air. 32. Damn, I guess those are pirranah. 33. How exactly did you get your motorcycle on top of the high-dive? 34. I think that is a snapping turtle in your pants. 35. No, I'm sure that is a snapping turtle in your pants. 36. Well at least the car broke down by the gay biker bar. 37. I think the needle broke off. 38. We've got a bleeder! 39. That noose isn't too tight is it? 40. Quick, that's my husband! 41. Even Viagra won't help you. 42. Wow! I've never seen a pogostick accident quite like this. 43. So you are the one who caused a 38 car pile-up. 44. I told you the fence was electric. 45. I'll have you out in a minute as soon as I get it jacked back up. 46. Father O'Rielly, what do you mean I'm a shoe-in for a hot place? 47. You know you are drinking drain cleaner, right? 48. Dad, I think you are going to love this new nursing home. 49. By the time you collect that pension it wil cost you $200 for a cup of coffee. 50. Just hold these two wires together. 51. You lost the bet. Pucker up! 52. Play dead and he will leave you alone! 53. No, those aren't fake surveilence cameras. 54. I think you will make a fine test subject. 55. Electroshock therapy. It is the only thing that is going to help. 56. Isn't that your house on fire? 57. Why is the crack dealer making change for your daughter? 58. You will never guess where I found pictures of your wife on the internet. 59. We have you surrounded 60. I love you.



  1. Damn, those are great Doc! The blue collar tour has nothing on you. ;^)

    Might I add a few lines that always preclude trouble:

    Hey y'all watch this!
    Bet you can't make that jump.
    And as a rafter, my favorite is "Paddle faster, I hear banjo music."

  2. "My turn to pick the movie" is the one that always strikes terror into my heart.

  3. after reading #26 & #60, I had to go have some coffee to settle my nerves.

  4. skyers dad- Ha-Ha, Banjo music! And why, because no one wants to be forced to sqeal like a pig or Ned Beatty.

    anandamide- I can't tell you how many times I've sat through "Notting Hill" and "About A Boy".

    hot lemon- #19 is my favorite.


  5. Excellent PBR-powered list, Doc. Being a Person Nearing Those Ages He Would Prefer Not To Be Nearing, I'll admit to a bit of puckering at #49 (Dad, I think you are going to love this new nursing home). In case my kids are reading this: "Fob me off and you're out of the will, you little peckers".

    There. That feels better.

  6. Here are some that I have said to you that I know should be included on this list, based on your reactions:

    - I have an idea...
    - When I mean "we should do it" I mean you...
    - Call me
    - We're spending the weekend with my family; I told them you would help them move...
    - This is the last piece of baloney.

  7. Got your interview questions Doc - I didn't know you were that evil! ;^)

  8. Skyler's dad beat me to the punch with "Hey y'all watch this!" I'd add "hold my beer a second"

    Damn fine list.

  9. I finished your interview/my autobiography. Jeepers.

  10. OK Doc, interview questions and answers are up on my site. Thanks a lot for the really great questions!


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