Friday, August 29, 2008

Notes From The Bottom Drawer, "Things That F*cking Piss Me Off: Blogger" edition

I will be the first one to admit that blogging has become one of my most treasured pasttimes. When I get to know you better I'll tell you about the other three. Blogging has filled a void in my creative life I didn't even know I had, plus I've gotten to meet some damn interesting people because of it. A few I am lucky enough to call friends.

But Blogger likes to f*ck with me.

I can say in all honesty that when it comes to computers I am simply a user. I know just enough to make it do the handful of things I use it for. My idea of trouble-shooting is to check if it's plugged in and run defrag. If that doesn't work, restart it. There ends my expertise.

But Blogger likes to screw me around.

Example: I sit and spend three and a half hours (yes it takes me that long) writing the best thing I have ever written. It has facts, quotes, pictures, nuance, humor and a little bit of who I am wedged into eight paragraphs. I sign my name and publish it because I am eager to share it with my friends and get their feedback. I hit "View Blog" and see my painstakingly created vision up on the World Wide Web and Blogger has put sixteen spaces between my paragraphs. Suddenly my eight paragragh masterpiece is four feet long. I go back and try to delete the extra spaces, save it, and publish it again. Now it is eight feet long.

Example Two: I read your blog. It is funny and heartfelt as always. I feel compeled to say something as your post has moved me. I click on the comments and a box pops up saying "Do you want me to display the secure and unsecure information?" If I click yes or no, it doesn't matter, it shows me the same comments either way. I write my little pearl of wisdom and go to send it off when I realize that Flannery is signed in to Blogger, not me. I change accounts and sign in. Now I have to go back to your blog, click on comments, rewrite my pearl of wisdom and send it off. The "Secure/Unsecure " box pops up and I close it. I hit the back button because I want to see if there are older posts that I haven't read. The "Secure/Unsecure" box comes up again. It takes me six clicks to get to the page I was just looking at. Who has that kind of time?

Example Three: I write a post that needs a picture. I spend fifteen minutes tracking down a picture that is close to what I want. Copy, flip back, fill, size, and position. Now I want the picture to one side or the other, but no amount of struggle and swearing can make the paragraph line up with the top of the photo. I know this can be done. I've seen it on your blog.

Example Four: I put lyrics or a quote at the top of my blog because it has something to do with what I'm talking about. I find it helps to use a few words by famous people as it tends to give what I write a little credibility. The lyrics don't look right all shoved to the left, so I highlight them and hit the center button. The letters magicaly jump to the center and the sentence divides itself evenly. It looks great. I scroll down to read over what I've already written, just to check for typos, misspellings, and continuity and everything I just penned is now centered too and how much of a computer idiot I am is really driven home.

Example Four: All the cool kids on the block now have a new tool that not only lists their blog roll but also gives the title and how long ago it was posted. I want one. I tinker with the layout and follow the 1st grader instructions and manage to get Beth's "A Cup Of Coffey" on there and that's it. It won't take any more. I tinker some more and manage to erase my sound widget and my prized photo of Denham Elliot.

Example Five: Blooger doesn't have a complaints department.

Damn Blogger.

If this wasn't free, I'd want my money back.



  1. I put a comment on your drinking music post, and then I didn't know if you have that thing that tells you when you get comments (I don't) and so I didn't know if you would ever see it. So I'm telling you here and as you can probably tell I am as adept with Blogger as you are, I guess.

  2. I'd demand your money back anyway, at the error rate you encounter, they might screw up and send you a cool million.

  3. Sigh... I sure do miss Denham Elliot. It's like I was just starting to get to know him too!

    Dirty damn blogger.

  4. I remember how my uncles would come over for day's visit and dinner, which was REALLY just an excuse to get them to go upstairs and tinker with the drippy faucet or constantly-running toilet or figger out how to change the oil on the newfangled lawnmower: none of us knew how to do this and secretly paid our relatives off in food.

    I think something similar should happen 'tween U and me: I'll come over and demonstrate how removing P's with brackets and anything with "DIV" will tighten up your paragraphs right good n' proper, and how to search and put Mr. Elliot's pix right back where it should be.

    After we grill some dead meat or bake a pizza and have a few beers, of course. As the Little River Band sang, "hang on, help is on it's way; I'll be there just as fast as I can!"


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