Monday, December 08, 2008
Some Notes On Children
Don't. Just don't.
I know, it sounds good at the time. Your lover is looking at you with that "come hither" stare and that glass of wine you had with dinner is really going right to your head. You know in your heart of hearts that this is how YOU came to be in this world, so why not give it a go yourself? You are simply fulfilling the one job that nature asks of you: reproduce. Besides, this could be fun. Kids are fun right? YOU were a fun kid, so you should have fun kids. It's in the genes. Not to mention you have a chance of passing along the family name.
Don't buy it for a second. Take a cold shower, have some coffee and pet the cat. By doing this you will have saved yourself thousands of dollars and forty plus years of grief.
People will lie to you and tell you how great kids are. Pay close attention. The people who tell you this either don't have them and want them, or they have some and look like a half crazed homeless person who should never reproduce.
I know. I have some.
Sure, they are the light of my life and I love them dearly. Since they came into this world I've never been apart from them for more than a day or two, and my mind is always thinking about them when they aren't in plain sight. I worry about them all the damn time. Are they eating well? Should I start teaching them fractions now? Am I a bad parent because they had two Popsicles instead of the broccoli I fixed? Why am I buying beer when this money should be putting them through college? How in the hell am I going to pay for two weddings? Is the neighbor kid getting frisky with my girls? My God, I hope they aren't playing in the knife drawer or drinking bleach!
Even after they are adults the worry never ends. Is their new boyfriend good enough? Are they struggling to pay the bills? Are they having unprotected sex? You don't think they are on drugs do you? That skirt is too short and that top is much too revealing. How can you listen to this crap you call music? Wear your seatbelt or you will die like Uncle Dave. Please Dear Lord, let them get this job! Oh no! The news said there is a fire/explosion/shooting in their neighborhood. Please let them be alright!
Save yourself the worry. Buy a cat.
Unless you and your spouse have just too much love in your hearts for the two of you.
Kids are great.