Monday, December 08, 2008

Some Notes On Children

Don't. Just don't.

I know, it sounds good at the time. Your lover is looking at you with that "come hither" stare and that glass of wine you had with dinner is really going right to your head. You know in your heart of hearts that this is how YOU came to be in this world, so why not give it a go yourself? You are simply fulfilling the one job that nature asks of you: reproduce. Besides, this could be fun. Kids are fun right? YOU were a fun kid, so you should have fun kids. It's in the genes. Not to mention you have a chance of passing along the family name.

Don't buy it for a second. Take a cold shower, have some coffee and pet the cat. By doing this you will have saved yourself thousands of dollars and forty plus years of grief.

People will lie to you and tell you how great kids are. Pay close attention. The people who tell you this either don't have them and want them, or they have some and look like a half crazed homeless person who should never reproduce.

I know. I have some.

Sure, they are the light of my life and I love them dearly. Since they came into this world I've never been apart from them for more than a day or two, and my mind is always thinking about them when they aren't in plain sight. I worry about them all the damn time. Are they eating well? Should I start teaching them fractions now? Am I a bad parent because they had two Popsicles instead of the broccoli I fixed? Why am I buying beer when this money should be putting them through college? How in the hell am I going to pay for two weddings? Is the neighbor kid getting frisky with my girls? My God, I hope they aren't playing in the knife drawer or drinking bleach!

Even after they are adults the worry never ends. Is their new boyfriend good enough? Are they struggling to pay the bills? Are they having unprotected sex? You don't think they are on drugs do you? That skirt is too short and that top is much too revealing. How can you listen to this crap you call music? Wear your seatbelt or you will die like Uncle Dave. Please Dear Lord, let them get this job! Oh no! The news said there is a fire/explosion/shooting in their neighborhood. Please let them be alright!

Save yourself the worry. Buy a cat.

Unless you and your spouse have just too much love in your hearts for the two of you.

Kids are great.



  1. Get the cat from a shelter.

    I spend so much time worrying about other people's kids that I think having my own isn't a necessity. This year I've done Christmas shopping for five children and none of them are mine. I'll never say never, but life is fine the way it is.

  2. This is a great post Doc. Makes me think I should do one of my own...

  3. We need them to take care of us when we get old.


  4. Truer words, my friend, have never been spoken.
    I recall being in the maternity ward hearing a large black lady of Caribbean origin describing the miracle of childbirth in the hours after her first birth
    "They LIE to you. I tell you. They LIE about childbirth. It ain't beautiful. They lied."

  5. My darling daughters told me they will torture me when I am old.
    They are so mean to me.
    No wonder I stopped reproducing.
    And started drinking.



    I would say to get a dog, but that's just me.


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