Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Time Flannery Got A Nose Ring

The first time I met my future In-laws, Flannery decides to play a trick on them. She takes a small gold loop earring I have and attaches it to her nostril right before she goes to answer the door. She leads them into the dining room where the rest of us have just gathered. Flannery's mom is the first one into the room, and she turns to smile at everyone and then turns back to Flannery to say something and looks her full in the face for the first time...and she almost fainted. Flannery's dad is right behind her and sees that mom is shocked and steps forward quickly and looks to Flannery for the first time himself. You could see him take it all in as his face changed from bewilderment, recognition, "what the...", to "Ha Ha Ha- you got me!" while mom remained steadfastly agog.

She could have spit biscuits.

It was only after dad started to laugh that she realized she had been had. She dabbed her forehead with a handkerchief and politely excused herself to the bathroom for a moment.

I have never met either one of these people before and I am their only daughter's new boyfriend. To say the least, she took a lot of pressure off of a poor white country boy. After that charade, I should look like Clark Gable to them, even though I'm some long haired friend of her disreputable cousin.

I have a couple of things going for me as far as "new boyfriend" went. For one, I was not a complete idiot. I've since been taking lessons. I have a tutor on Wednesdays and Fridays, but at the time, I was not a complete idiot. I could make funny, polite conversation and could breeze my way through most social situations with a little grace. My mother only raised two fools and I lucked out.

It didn't hurt at all that I was wearing my black Beatles Abbey Road T-shirt. Flannery's dad remarked that I had been "tipped off" about the T-shirt as the Beatles were his favorite band. I didn't know that and explained that this was just my shirt De Jour as it didn't have wrinkles, stains, or holes. He smiled as he acknowledged that we were both men of the world, and some bullshit is expected when you are dating a man's only daughter.

To some extent, I can see his conundrum. I have two daughters myself.

I was reminded of this memory this evening as I had a terrible accident. I was wounded most grievously in an honest effort to pour myself a black-n-tan. I opened the bottle of Guinness with the butt-end of a Bic lighter, as I have done away with a church key since I have learned this handy trick. It is all about leverage. My only mistake was leaning over the beer as I wrenched on the cap. Guinness has a little widget inside that releases CO2 when the cap is loosened so that you can get almost as much head and bubbles as if you had ordered it on draught. They pride themselves on this.

The bottle cap left the bottle at the speed of a .38 slug. I have a distinct, round splotch on my face and a slit up one nostril. Flannery joked that I looked like Jack Nicholson in "Chinatown" and while I didn't find that the least bit comforting, she did pinch me and say that girls dig scars, so there is hope for me yet.



  1. Flan's pop is cool in every sense of the word.

  2. That is a wonderful trick to play, wish I would have thought of it before.

  3. I don't think Flannery's parents have anything to worry about. Before I had my nose pierced, I asked her if she would like to have a nose ring and she gave me a firm no.

    I still don't think Flannery's parents even realize that I have a nose ring, but the first time your eldest daughter saw me with it, she cupped her hand over her mouth and looked at me as if I stole the Hope Diamond (and stuck it through my nose).

    Sorry about your accident, but a good beer is worth it, right?!

  4. Love those jokes. Scared my mom & stepdad into thinking my sister-in-law was pregnant (again) at a fancy dinner (at Olive Garden) one night. "Can I get a glass of Chardonnay?" "Wo wo wo, shouldn't you know, not your condition?" My mom's jaw dropped...and I casually excused myself to the restroom as the accusations flew. :)

  5. Where is this land that time forgot, where people are shocked by nose rings?

  6. Cormac Brown- I couldn't agree more!

    Skyler's Dad- There is still time. Just put one on before work Monday. I'm certain that it will grease the wheels for that raise you have coming!

    Spooky- Worth it? Hell yeah!

    $teve- You have a marvelous sence of humor!

    Vikkitickitavi- It isn't a land that time forgot. It's the fact that this was thirteen years ago and Flannery's mother is about as "straight-laced" as it gets. You live in Cali where this is as common as McDonald's while Flannery's mom operates on hygene films they showed in high school. 'Nuff said.


  7. got one up on yas: when my mum came to visit me in Pittsburgh, my eldest (then only about 6 months old) was lying on the couch wearing a Pittsburgh Pirates shirt. Mom had, of course, brought along a Cleveland Indians shirt for her and proceeded to remove the Pirates shirt right away.

    There was a bloodcurdling scream when she saw that there was a large tattoo of a panther on Sunflower's chest right where MY panther tat is. I told her we got matching ones, father n' daughter.

    She was about to call child services when she realized it was a temporary one.

  8. I sustained a similar injury except it involved an overly excited puppy in dire need of a pedicure.


Write your beer-fueled ravings here...