Thursday, October 01, 2009

Aesop's Unpublished Tales

While many of Aesop's fables are still with us today and empart their wisdom to generation after generation, there are a few that only recently have come to light when a Greek gentleman by the name of Mr. Xanthus Iadmon found them when cleaning his dad's garage. They were authenticated by experts at the Knowmordenudo Institute of Research and published in the historian's trade magazine "Scrolls & Tablets" with great fanfare. While much of the article was dedicated to the writing style of Aesop with various learned critics chiming in, as well as the acid content of the papyrus it was written on, it is very academic and of little interest to the casual reader. The fables themselves are printed below and are not academic.

The Cat and the Kangaroo:
The cat was eager to get to the freshly mowed field as she was sure that it would be full of mice since the men had just cut the wheat. The only problem was that a great river was between her and the field, and everyone knows that cats hate to get wet. As the cat pondered her predicament, a kangaroo hopped up and took a drink from the river. "Please Mrs. Kangaroo," the cat pleaded, "you are so strong and hop so far, would you put me in your pouch and take me across the river, for there is where I will catch my dinner." The kangaroo took pity on the cat and let her climb into her pouch. "You are ever so kind and will be rewarded for your generosity," the cat purred. The kangaroo lunged a mighty leap only to land in the middle of the river where the water was swift and deep. As the two of them were drowning, the cat cried out, "What have you done? You have killed us both!" The kangaroo said, "I told you I could jump but I never said I could swim!"

The moral of the story: Cats and kangaroos are both idiots but only the kangaroo is swayed by flattery.

The Rook, the Raven, and the Crow:
A rook, a raven and a crow were all sunning themselves on the same branch of an olive tree when they began to chat. "I have a tough life," the rook began, "I am black and in the summer sun, I roast in these feathers. Sometimes I find some seeds or some berries but most of the time I go hungry. I think being a rook is the toughest life of all!"

The raven said, "You think you have it tough. I am a raven and sometimes I am forced to eat what the vultures won't. I am constantly harassed by the hawk who would eat me, and when I try to get a little grain from the farmer's field, he throws rocks at me and curses me. The hand of every man is turned against me. I think being a raven is the toughest life of all!"

The crow looked at the rook. Then he looked at the raven. Then he said, "Negro please! Shut the fuck up and eat an olive, because you know all that shit you are spouting is just the dove tryin' to keep you down!"

The moral of the story is: that Aesop had been a slave and he said "Fuck Whitey!" which was very progreesive for his time.

The Rabbit and the Bear
A rabbit stopped in a clearing in the woods to relieve himself. As he sat, a large, brown bear lumbered into the clearing and squated next to him and began to relieve himself as well. After a few moments of silence, the bear turned to the rabbit and asked, "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

The nervous rabbit managed to stutter out a shaky, "N-, n-, no!"

So the bear reached over and wiped his ass with the rabbit.

The moral of the story is: Rabbits stutter and frequently give out Too Much Information, while bears are just pricks.

The Fable Maker and the Milk Maid:
What follows is a lurid tale of Aesop when he was at the court of Croesus and dined in the company of the Seven Sages Of Greece in Corinth and how even the Corinthian hookers who were hired for the occasion wouldn't lay him so he was forced to seduce the lowliest of the household servants, despite how ugly she was, so the Seven Sages wouldn't make fun of him the next day. It is very lurid and detailed in it's description of the deed.

The moral of the story is: that it all looks the same in the dark and The Seven Sages Of Greece really know how to throw a party.



  1. The Rabbit and The Bear cracked my ass up.

    Oh wait, that crack was already there.

    Still, I laughed heartily.

    I also laughed out loud at your comment on my blog today. Consider yourself nominated for Candy's comment contest.

  2. Great stuff Doc. I thought I was the only one that made up Aesop's, found them. There's nothing like making up some story on the fly for a young'un who can't understand what you're saying anyway...and then end it with "So the moral of the story is...real dogs loooove to eat pussy...but they'd prefer if it were a fox. G'night sweetie." :)


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