Why The Aliens Would Want To Kidnap Me And What Should Be Done When This Happens

I have long suspicioned that I would be the perfect candidate for an alien abduction as I have all of the prerequisites. It is a known fact that I drink a lot, and have little education. I occasionally have told half-truths, quarter-truths, and out-and-out lies. I have a face best suited for radio so I would be ideal for interviews from local television stations with the caption "Crackpot" under my misspelled name. I also speak with something of a twang and find myself wandering around large open fields late at night. Aliens would have no trouble picking me up and would have no fear of me revealing to the world that they do in fact exist, as no one in their right mind would believe a guy like me.

The only thing that has kept me planet-bound and unprobed is the fact that I have a hypersensitive gag reflex and a tender heinie. These two things have also kept me out of several orgies as well, but that is neither here nor there.

Should I be abducted by aliens and then returned to Earth there are a few things that should be done to insure the safety and continued happiness of all mankind. First, I should be bathed to insure that all of the foreign germs on my body are eliminated. Secondly, I will need a large quantity of Vaseline and a heating pad, not to mention loose, comfortable clothing (robe, slippers, etc.) that won't bind, bunch up, or pull stitches. Thirdly, I should be provided with a pencil and paper to document my ordeal as well as several cases of Jack Daniels and a talented hair stylist to make the bald patches on my head where they put the electrodes fade into my natural hairdo. Shortly afterwards, I will be prepared to meet the press.

"Be ever vigilant!"

Doc