Wednesday, February 03, 2010

The School Of Love

***Oct. 10, 2011. Breckenridge Community College, Oh.
Transcript of Professor Hazel Pethig's class of Oct. 4, 2011 by students: North, Blankenship, & Cosgrove. Some sections of the tape were damaged by fire. All video was lost but most of the audio survives. For review by B.C.C. Board of Directors for compliance to State Mandated Guidelines. Transcript follows.***

Welcome back to the seventh edition of our School Of Love. If you would please pass your homework forward on the smells that will attract a potential mate from last session, we can begin the part of the lesson that you have all been waiting for. Mr. North will be around to collect them from the front of the rows and I'm certain will provide me with more than a little bit of titillation later. I see that once again Mr. Cosgrove has gone well beyond the scope of the assignment and provided film with the documentation of his experiments. You sir, seem to be gunning for my job. (class laughs) I will have to keep an eye on you. Alright, all the papers are in? Good. Let's begin.

Until this time the entire series has been devoted to finding someone that will mate with you for the purposes of producing offspring that will then be supported by both parents. They will replenish the population as well as be a vessel for your values and beliefs. This is a time honored tradition and is surrounded with many rituals, conventions, and common pitfalls. These have been covered in previous chapters. After the successful completion of your final on Wednesday, you will all be licensed potential parents. No, no, don't be shy about the applause. You have earned it. Not just everyone makes it this far in the course. You deserve a hand! (lots of clapping)

Yes, yes, now back to the lesson. There are some of you who have been patiently waiting for this day more than any other in the class. Even more so than when you receive your diploma in Mating Studies. You want to learn how to attract not a mate but a sex partner for one or more encounters that isn't driven by the need to reproduce. In short, how do I find and make someone want to shag me?

Now state law prohibits me from laying out a definitive course guide that will achieve this result, but I do have several suggestions that the state does not object to, as well as an extensive reading list that will more than complete your self education on this matter provided you are motivated enough to complete the self study program. With that in mind, let's begin.

We already know that the first thing that we need to do is find someone else to have sex with that meets our criteria according to our already Established Hierarchy of Needs form that we filled out at the beginning of the course. The criteria remain much the same regardless of the need to reproduce or to just simply "get our rocks off". I would encourage you to take out your Established Hierarchy of Needs form and look it over. Now that you are seven weeks into the course and have learned what we have covered so far, are there any answers that you would change? Has your criteria been altered by what you now know? Reread the eleven simple questions and change your answers now. Those who do not wish to change their answers may view the vintage turn of the century pornography that is playing on the monitor behind me. Pardon me, I need some coffee.

(four minutes and thirty-two seconds elapse before class resumes)

Alright, eyes up front please. We have established that we are no longer looking for a mate to reproduce with and are instead looking for a partner for casual sex and the opportunity to release our sex cells for the reasons of pleasure-slash-relief alone. We have reviewed our H.O.N. forms and adjusted our answers accordingly. Now what would be the next step? Anyone? Yes, Mr. Cosgrove?

(at this point the audio becomes sketchy in places and is presented as is)

-orny bastard Mr. Cosgrove! You really are looking to put me out of work! (class laughs) Yes it is important to find someone with the correct gender of your preference according to your H.O.N. but that was not what I was looking for. That was assumed. Anyone? Yes Ms. Blankenship? (garbled audio)

Yes, hygiene and grooming are important as few people actively seek out disheveled and smelly partners, but here again, that is assumed. No, the answer I was looking for was the location where your chances are higher of finding a partner. Parties, singles bars, and the like, as we all know that the presence of alcohol does somewhat shift the odds in your favor. You might also consider some of the clubs or organizations that you are already a member of, as it will help establish the bond that we discussed in chapter two.

Now before seeking out your partner, there are some preparations that need to be done. Birth control must be on hand for one. Also, you need to prepare the place you are going to have this glorious sex. While some partners will be content with the back seat of a car, the bathroom of the bar you are in, or even outside in whatever bushes you can find, most potential partners will prefer a private and comfortable place to do "the nasty" as Mr. Cosgrove put it in our last session. A bedroom is the most ideal place as it provides both comfort and privacy. The bedroom can be made more conducive to seducing one's partner with candles, incense, potpourri, fragrances, and a roaring fire in the fireplace helps as well. Studies have shown that an open flame seems to trigger some primal urge in the reptilian part of the brain that encourages sexual activity. Should a bedroom not be available for your tryst, sometimes you just have to make do with what you have, but it is always good to know what is most likely to bring about the desired result and shoot for it. Now- (fire alarm sounds in background)

Well the fire drill is going to cut our class short this week, but read Michealson chapters nine and ten for next time. Mr. Cosgrove, would you see me after class please? I'd like to go over your extra my office...alone...(tape ends)



  1. I don't know why I wrote this other than it sounded funny to me. Maybe I'm wrong.

    Hazel Pethig was the costume designer for Monty Python's Flying Circus and I always liked the name.

    My apoligies to Mrs. Pethig, where ever you are.


  2. I used to get by on just doing the extra credit instead of the real homework.

  3. I'm not sure whether this is a tragicomic slice of our inevitable transformation into a future dystopia or Valentine's Day advice.

    All I know is that I'm gonna go scope out some babes.

  4. The reminded me of meeting my wife's friends up in Washington DC back in the early 90's. They were all highly educated lawyers or accountants, both male and female, and all single. I had never met such a FUBARed group when it came to dating and relationships.

    It was truly like a Seinfeld episode with them whining about how the were so in love with some person except for some small trait that drove them crazy. Right after that segment ended the whining would begin about how they are were so scared about ending up alone.

    Its a wonder such people ever reproduce, then again with that thought I'm reminded of the movie Idiocracy.

  5. The story starts with my birthday so naturally I liked it immediately!

    An interesting stab at found footage meets a dystopian setting. And of course one wonders how the reptilian parts of those students' brains reacted to the fire that day...

  6. Thought you might enjoy this...

    Here's to stronger bones!!!


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