Tuesday, April 20, 2010

If I Traveled Time...

If I traveled time, I would screw things up left and right. For example:

Copernicus would never face house arrest.

Lincoln would have skipped the theater and told his wife to shut the f*ck up.

Jesus would have the number four top rated video on Youtube right after that cat that barks like a dog.

We would have had Al Gore put our surplus in a lockbox after he won the election.

The World Wars wouldn't have happened because Mythbusters was on.

My mom wouldn't have had a stroke because they would have caught it in time.

My wife wouldn't have dated any losers before me.

Fast food would retain some quality and it's workers would have a sense of pride.

I would be able to hang out with Robert Ruarke, Ronnie James Dio, and Charles Nelson Riley.

I could eat animals that weren't extinct.

Borders could be redrawn and soldiers would only have to help fill sandbags to fend off bad storms and deliver stuffed animals to kids.

No one would go hungry and the very least of us would have to pick through Jenny Craig low fat meals.

Gold would only be used for teeth and not stored in Fort Knox.

Every square inch of the world that wasn't being used would grow walnut trees as I like walnuts.

America would become the world leader in bicycle production.

Every major town in the world would have a fountain the was filled with beer and conflicts would be resolved by who had the better beer.

Sir Walter Reighly would have sent more whiskey back rather than tobacco.

All the women and slaves of the world would stand up at once and form a union.

Countries would pride themselves on the quality of shoes they made.

The only thing a child would have to work at was being a good adult.

In the Olympics, there would be a medal for brewing, lying, and housekeeping.

There would be lots of whales, buffalo and rhinos.

The common cold, cancer, and bad teeth would be replaced by hangovers as mankind's biggest problem.

Every kid everywhere would start life with a 64 box of crayons and health care.

Vegetarians would eat well and cows would volunteer to give up some of their own for the sake of feeding the carnivores.

Lead would only be used to make batteries and not used to sling at people you don't know regardless of their color or creed.

Public education will teach kids what they need to know.

Pearls will become cheap as every oyster will have one and our oceans won't be full of our trash.

And while I'm wishing, I'd like for everyone to have a pony that they can ride to work.

Be safe out there,


  1. Could you go back and make sure I didn't date any losers, too? Kthanx.

  2. Instead of fighting each other, our Military would put on year round wicked-assed air shows.

  3. I've always wondered if dodo made good barbecue.

    If the world wars, especially number two, never happened, what the hell do you expect the History Channel to show? They'll go out of business!

  4. Doesn't the fact that your lovely wife dated some losers before she met you just make her appreciate you all the more? You should wish she had dated more losers!


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