Liner Notes For My First Album

I just know that the recording industry needs a guy like me. I will be the cash cow they have been looking for now that Micheal Jackson is dead, and will kick out multi-platinum albums like I'm tearing through a six-pack. I just haven't decided what medium I should shoot for yet.

Every time I mention my writing to my buddy, Franklinton, he tells me that I should learn to write songs, as he heard John Cougar Melloncamp say that once you learned how, it was the easiest thing in the world. I know nothing about writing songs as I'm not musical at all, but I enjoy music and could make for a very dynamic front-man for some aspiring band. Well, it's either that or go with a spoken word/comedy album and maybe that's more up my alley, even if it will be a much harder sell to the record execs.

Either way, I still have to come up with this awesome and timeless first album and that might take a while. So for the time being, I'll just have to hammer out the liner notes and make sure I get all of my thank-you's and shout-out's straight.

The cover art will be a black-n-white photo of me in a trenchcoat on a wet city street and the only color will be the flames of a burning barrel. The title of the album needs to be familiar but edgey like, "Bernadette Peters' G-String" or "Rectal Thermometer 9" or something. I'll have to work on that.

At the top of the opening page has to be a list of the band members, what they played, and which songs they appeared on. This might take up most of the first page as I'm going to need a couple of different horn sections, but this can all be ironed out later.

Next will come the long list of rat-bastards who made shit loads of money off of my genius, such as the producer, the three assistant producers, various ad agencies, my manager, every S.O.B. at the sorry ass label I manage to corral into publishing my masterpiece, the mixer, on down to the coffee boy, and the janitor.

This will be followed by the names of various "handlers" that the record company hired to keep me out of Christian Science reading rooms, public fountains, and political debates. They will also have been responcible for the right "aspirins", my grapefruit addiction, and shots of B12 being adminstered at the right time. These dim-witted thugs will for the first time see their names in print and it won't be in the court records section of the paper.

At this point the band is going to want to see their friends and managers names, but since I am the true backbone of the entire band, I will only allow them a small postage stamp sized space in the liner notes, right next to the Parental Warning on the last page. I think that's only fitting.

The second page must be a photo that is moodily lit, again in black-n-white, of...oh I dunno, a dead dove or some tooth paste or something. Might give it a tragically romantic feel maybe, but I'm thinking there might need to be just a few drops of blood. Not too many, just three or four. I'll have to call the art department on Monday and see what they can work up. Those lazy bastards will cost me a fortune, as all they want to give me is clip art!

The third page is the next with print, and has the words written in different fonts against a diamond-plate steel background. Maybe spray paint a unicorn with a hand-grenade on the diamond-plate and rough it up a little with a wire brush. Might be a nice touch. After all, this is the page that gives you a long list of the fancy instruments we used on this album as well as web addresses where you can purchase the super expensive items, not to mention where you can join my fan club and get my newsletter, T-shirts, hats, and bumper stickers. It's just one more chance for the corporation to soak up rewards of my brilliance.

Damn their eyes.

I'm thinking that the fifth page should be a collage, but I'm open to ideas.

The sixth and final page will be clogged with ads for how we used Dolby Sound to record this as it "had a much warmer feel" and it reminded us of "listening to The Beatles in mono" or some such B.S. Don't believe a word of it. All of my stuff will be changed in post-production and I won't have the slightest bit of say about it.

But despite them, I'll still go double platinum!

The great thing is, if I make it big, you're all coming with me!

Doc

P.S. - I only noticed on the reread of this that I called this an album and that is showing my age.

"Son, you better put that old guitar away. There ain't no money in it and it will lead you to an early grave."

"But it could be that the good Lord likes a little pickin' too."

I was just thinking about you Dad. I hope you and Mom are having a fine time in heaven and I hear that the good Lord has a soft spot for carpenters. I love you and I miss you both.

Doc

My Last Remarks

Should I live long enough to expire, I would like to have this carved on my tombstone:

Doc

Dates of Birth & Death

"Ornery"

Anything after that is gravy.

Doc

Doc Sings...badly

This is the one song I know by heart. I catch myself singing it all the time, if I'm happy or have the blues. Do you have a song that you sing all the time?

Doc

Why I Don't Drink Wine

I've been reading about Alexander the Great and I stumbled on this story that solidified my resolve to not drink wine.


The story goes like this: Alexander has already conquered most of the known world by this time and has fought his way to India and is headed back to Macedonia. But before he leaves India, he convinces this Buddhist wise man by the name of Calanus to come with him. Now Calanus was eighty-three and had never been sick a day in his life, but when they get to the town of Pasargada, he comes down with a sever case of cholic. "Well this just won't do," decides Calanus, so after the fashion of his beliefs, he has Alexander build a funeral pyre for him so he can get this dying thing over with. Alexander tries to talk him out of it but Calanus has made up his mind and this is what he is going to do.


So they stack up a bunch of wood and the old man climbs on top and tells them that they shouldn't be sad at his passing. They should drink and carouse with Alexander to celebrate the occasion. Then Calanus lays down, says, "Flick your Bic, Alex baby," or something to that effect, and never moves a muscle as the fire consumes him.


Now we get to the good part. They take the old man's advice and have a party. Where I'm from they would call this a wake, but whatever. So to honor the memory of their dear departed friend, Alexander offers a crown to the person who can drink the most. The winner is a stout hearted brute by the name of Promachus who consumed eighteen to twenty pints of wine. He enjoyed his victory for three days before he died. Of the guests, forty-one died from drinking too much.


I don't know what kind of wine was served, but I would be willing to bet it wasn't made by Earnest & Julio Gallo, but I'm not taking any chances. I'll stick to beer, and if you are wondering, that's what will be served at my wake. The kegs will be conveniently positioned at the head and foot of my coffin as to provide the mourners a pre- and post-view drink without the fuss of bothering the bartender who is too busy pouring shots anyway. I like to be a considerate host regardless of the occasion.


And don't send flowers, send peanuts and pretzels.


Cheers,
Doc

A Universal Music

"I'm leaving just as soon as I finish my beer." -Hank Williams Jr.

At one time where I come from there was a universal music. Sure, the stereo at the parties would always jump around quite a bit, leaping from one artist or genre to another, Hip-Hop in it's infancy, Metal, Hard Rock, or whatever was taking the radio by storm that week. But regardless of what was played there were always a few grumblers who swore under their breathe how they hated this song, but there was one artist that everyone loved: Hank. You could put on any Hank tune you wanted, even a B side, and everyone would casually nod their head that at last the stereo was in competent hands. Even the more cultured girls from town would at least give him a listen, and if it was late enough in the evening, sing the chorus loudly and off key.

I can offer no explaination as to why this was, but at the time, Hank was acceptable music to most everybody I knew in much the same way that Elvis or The Beatles were acceptable music in their heyday. I didn't own any of his albums, but much like Metallica and Iron Maiden, I learned their catalog just from hearing it played over and over. Perhaps this dates me, but I don't care. There are worse things than getting older and remembering when. I don't mind being a "dinosaur".

Doc


**Author's Note** I only chose this version as I love the simple guitar, Hank ain't that good looking, and Flannery said this guy was cute.

I've Always Found This To Be Haunting...

I've always wondered what the two of them were throwing off that bridge?

"Seems like nothin' ever comes to no good off Choctaw Ridge"

Doc

A Quandry

Well now way back in the Bible, temptations always come along

There's always somebody tempting

Somebody into doing something they know is wrong

Well they tempt you man with silver and they tempt you sir with gold

And they tempt you with the pleasures that the flesh does surely hold

They say Eve tempted Adam with an apple

Man I ain't going for that

I know it was her pink cadillac

Crushed velvet seats

Riding in the back, oozing down the street

Waving to the girls

Feeling out of sight

Spending all my money on a Saturday night

Honey, I just wonder what you do there in back of your pink cadillac?

Bruce Springsteen, Pink Cadillac.

I've heard this song many times over the years, as I'm sure most people have, but it just occurred to me today that the pink cadillac could be a euphemism for p*ssy.

Maybe I need a beer. Here to explain it is Jerry Lee Lewis.

Doc
P.S.- I just figured out I could change the color of the text. In another year or two I might have this blogger thing mastered.

My Funeral Mix, part one

Thank you all for your contributions to the funeral mix meme. I read and enjoyed them all. I have been giving this a lot of thought for some time and I just couldn't settle on what I would like to have played. I got the idea from Ozzy Osbourne's "Goodbye to Romance". For a long time I thought that this might be a good "exit" song, but Ozzy? Is it a good idea to venture into the great beyond with this as my final soundtrack? So I asked you what you would want.

I learned quickly that I don't know jack crap about music and I have lead a very sheltered life. I'm familiar with a lot of classic rock, and older country music, but there ends my musical knowledge. I am not the proverbial "old dog", but old enough to know I don't have a lot of "new tricks" left in me. So rather than learn say thirty years of various musical genres, I decided to just pick from ones I already know.

That brings me to my first song, "The Ballad of Forty Dollars" by Tom T. Hall. Tom T. Hall was the entire soundtrack of my childhood. My Dad had every album and listened to them exclusively. We didn't have a radio until I got to highschool and when we did get one, it would only pick up the local station that played top forty hits of the seventies, so the old Hi-Fi was the only music we had in the house. My Dad was hard of hearing, so when he sat down in the evening to read the paper and play some Tom T. records, he played them LOUD.

Youtube didn't have much of a selection of Tom T., but I did find one that has "The Ballad of Forty Dollars", but it is paired with another of his hits, "The Year That Clayton Delaney Died", which kind of goes along with the whole funeral theme, but it wasn't what I was looking for. The video is a series of stills and leaves a lot to be desired, but the sound is well done. I hope that even if you don't enjoy country music that you will give it a chance. He is a master storyteller. To skip to "Ballad", just pull the slider to the center.

I hope you laugh as hard as I do every time I hear this song.



Doc

Genn6's Funeral Music Mixes: The Wake

Day 1: 2-4 p.m. showing
Tool-"Lateralus"
KMFDM-"Naive"
Neil Diamond-"The Jazz Singer"

Day 1: 7-9 p.m. showing
Nine Inch Nails-"The Downward Spiral"
Eazy E-"Eazy-Duz-It"
Pink Floyd-"Dark Side Of The Moon"

Day 2: 2-4 p.m. showing
Rammstein-"Sehnsucht"
Soundtrack to "O Brother, Where Art Thou?"
U2-"The Joshua Tree"

Day 2: 7-9 p.m. showing
Guns N' Roses-"Lies"
U2-"Achtung Baby"
Tool-"Aenima"

Funeral Album II: The Resurrection

Last November, Doc asked everyone what their funeral album playlist was. And seein' as how there's lots of new faces around here, we would like to make a sequal. Everyone who reads this, what's your funeral mix? Post the twelve songs you want to serenade your lovely corpse. We're talking to you, Phil, Writer Procrastinator, Beckeye, Anandamide, Echo, Vikki, Megan, Coaster Punchman, Johnny Yen, Kefla, Raven, Amy, Pezda, Evil Genius, Skyler's Dad, Chris, Bubs, Tanya, Grant Miller, Herbert Sebastian Crotch, Dale, Frank Sirmarco, The Boob Lady, Two Can Anne, Kristi, and Lulu.

Doc:

• Stayin' Alive, Bee Gees


• Goodbye to Romance, Ozzy Osborne


• 110 in the Shade, John Fogerty


• Highway to Hell/Disco Inferno


• ...Uh...


• ...well...


• I need your help, suggestions?

Flannery:

• I'll Fly Away


• Photograph, Ringo Starr


• God's Got It, Old Crow Medicine Show


• Let it be, The Beatles


• Watching the Wheels, John Lennon


• Nightswimming, REM


• The River, Bruce Springsteen


• Closer to the Heart, Rush


• Your Song, Elton John


• Country Roads, John Denver


• Smile, Lily Allen


• Tom's Diner, Suzanne Vega


• Bonus hidden track: Kung Fu Fightin'

The One Song I Know...

Someone once asked Ulysses S. Grant if he knew anything about music. “I know two tunes,” he replied, “One is Yankee Doodle, and the other isn’t.”

I’m much the same way. But I firmly believe that everyone should learn the lines to at least one tune. You need something to hum, whistle, or belt out, as you find yourself wandering life’s path.

One song, that you can honestly say, “I know by heart”. I have mine. I sing it in the shower, the car, when I need to sit and think, or as I stare up at the stars. It is a sad song, yet, one of hope.

Before the days of the World Wide Web, few resources of information were available. One was the library, and the other was the phone book. This song is from a by-gone era.

Tulsa Telephone Book

Have you read any good telephone books lately?
If you ain't then let me recommend one,
I've already read that Tulsa telephone book through thirteen times.
If you don't know any last names it ain't much fun.

Readin' that Tulsa telephone book, can drive a guy insane
Especially if that girl you're lookin' for has no last name
I gotta find her and tell her, I don't want our love to end
So I'm readin' that Tulsa telephone book again

Well, I was in Tulsa and didn't have anything goin'
She lived in Tulsa and didn't have anything on
She said, "My name is Shirley," and I said, "My name is T."
I woke up the next mornin' and she was gone

All of the Tulsa operators know my voice now
And they gotta know how long I've been alone
If you meet a girl named Shirley with some ribbons in her hair
Would you tell her that she's wanted on the phone

Readin' that Tulsa telephone book, can drive a guy insane
Especially if that girl you're lookin' for has no last name
I gotta find her and tell her, I don't want our love to end
So I'm readin' that Tulsa telephone book again
I'm readin' that Tulsa telephone book again

Tom T. Hall, Tulsa Telephone Book.

I always exchange the name of “T” with Shawn. It rhymes. I also replace the name of “Shirley” with Jenny. That’s just me. What song/s do you know by heart?

Doc.

My Funeral LP

1. I'll Fly Away
2. Carry That Weight, The Beatles
3. Reason To Believe, The Boss
4. Heros, David Bowie
5. A Hundred Degrees In The Shade, John Fogerty
6. Let It Be, The Beatles
7. Bird On A Wire, k.d. lang
8. Dust In The Wind, Kansas
9. Thankful, Kelly Clarkson
10. Night Swimming, REM
11. Parting Glass, The Clancy Brothers
12. Bonus Hidden Track: Gin and Juice, Snoop Dogg

Funeral Album

The Funeral Album

So much of what I’ve been reading lately has to do with music. I have been giving this a lot of thought for some time now. I plan on mixing my own funeral soundtrack. The time and technology have permitted the average person to take the music of their choice and have it played from beyond the grave. We all have certain songs that conjure up certain memories from the past. These songs “mean something” to us, and you hope that, in some small way, they mean something to those that you leave behind.

Don’t you have that special song that, whenever it comes on the radio, you turn it up, just a little bit, just to refresh yourself in the tide of memories and emotions that that song entails? I think that we all have these connections. Even someone that claims to have no connection to music would admit that when they hear the national anthem, they feel some thing. Hate, revulsion, pride, wishing that the sporting match would begin already, etc.

That is why I have resolved that I will compose the best music to let me decompose. I will leave behind me a collection of songs that will have summed up my existence on Earth. I am not musically gifted. I have never been. I am more than willing to let the professionals write this kind of thing for me, but I reserve the right to select what I want. I have the esteemed privilege to have lived through some of the most profound eras of music. I was born at the cusp of rock when it was changing its identity. I lived through disco. I have seen Glam come and go. I was around when Punk started and ended. I have witnessed the second British invasion, with their New Wave and all of that. I was living through a time when the Fathers of Metal got their start, found their heyday, and went into a rapid decline. Not to mention the many Masters who had come before them. It is (and was) a great time to be alive.

There are those that will disagree with me, and those that belittle my choices, and even those that will ridicule the songs that I select, but the great thing about my funeral is the fact that, not only will I pick the music, I will get to make the guest list. Don’t get me wrong, you are all invited, but the press will be released the standard release. He died in bed, with his lovely wife beside him, and his last words were a plea for world peace.

What would you want to be played at your funeral? Would it be “Taps”? Would it be “Ding-Dong, The Witch Is Dead”? You really have to ask yourself, “What do you want to be remembered by?”

I want, so desperately, to write this play list. There will never be statues in the park that bear my name. No street will be named after me. No section of highway will ever be dedicated in my name. No charity will say “Give money for Doc’s Kids”. I will have to carve my own name where I find it. Just so long as I get to do it to a specific play list.

Ozzy Osborne’s “Goodbye To Romance” will certainly make the cut. This was the song that made me realize that I needed a funeral album, but what other songs do I pare with this? Do I dare include “Trip Through Your Wires” by U2? This is the kind of thing that keeps me up at night.
I mean, really, what would you include? Would you shoot for a rockin’ funeral, or would you try to tell a story, or perhaps, you would try to enchant your listeners? Would you cater to popular whim and release an album that is “safe”? Would you try to send a big fat, F**k You, from the Great beyond?

I mean really, if you could choose from all the songs that have ever been written, what would you choose for your final exit songs?

Please let me know. I have eleven slots to fill before I turn 70.

Doc

Some Tom T. Hall

I Love