The Tangled Webs We Weave - Part VIII

"And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping

The moon tells me a secret - my confidant

As full and bright as I am, this light is not my own and

A million light reflections pass over me.
Its source is bright and endless, she resuscitates the hopeless.

Without her, we are lifeless satellites drifting.
And as I pull my head out I am without one doubt

Don't wanna be down here feeding my narcissism.

I must crucify the ego before it's far too late

I pray the light lifts me out

Before I pine away.

So crucify the ego, before it's far too late

To leave behind this place so negative and blind and cynical,

And you will come to find that we are all one mind

Capable of all that's imagined and all conceivable.

Just let the light touch you and let the words spill through

And let them pass right through, bringing out our hope and reason.

Before we pine away......"

-Tool, "Reflections", 2001.

I should be there now, the Tool show. They're playing in Youngstown, only two hours from here, but since I don't have a money-tree in the backyard....

I never stop learning things from Tool, and just because I'm not at the show doesn't mean I'm not still learning something. I am not at the Tool show, but I'm not at the Sunday night rave party either.

I decided to sit that out, too. For many reasons: showing up every week consistently makes it look like I don't have much else going on, which we all know is entirely false; I can't afford all that alcohol, my wallet is complaining; I need a break from the Bookbag mess.

As it stands, he claims he's trying to save his relationship with the girlfriend but has not explained exactly what he's thinking about me. I've reached a basic understanding of their relationship through conversations with the both of them and other sources. I believe that right now Bookbag does love her, he doesn't want to repeat past poor relationship performances, and since he's not working, he needs her to survive. She is younger than him and ready to solidify this relationship. She wants a wedding, a family, things he's not at all wanting right now, if not ever. I believe that she will eventually pressure him on those issues and force him to make a decision and he'll run; he's already considered trying to end the relationship once in the near past.

And where I fit in to this whole mess is still in question. Tracy told me that I should tell Bookbag what I know, give him advance warning of what he's about to get into with the girlfriend, so when it starts happening he'll see it coming. I think I should put on my Communications Major hat and give her the opportunity to tell him herself. Don't be a homewrecker, be a catalyst.

But I stilll have to want to see him be a better person because I care about him and his future, not because I want to fix him so he's a suitable partner for me. And that's hard, that's really, really damn hard. I'm an only-child, it's always about me. How do I know that I wasn't put in his life for a reason just as so many people have been put in mine? And if that's true, aren't I obligated to be honest and genuine with him? Hell, aren't I obligated to be honest and genuine to everybody just because that is who I am?

I guess I'll work on figuring that out next week.