Monday, August 20, 2007

Bastards Have Good Days Every Day

I've seen good men goin' wrong,
I've see bad ones get it right,
As that River rolls along,
I'll be steppin' out tonight.

"James River Blues" by Old Crow Medicine Show, on the album "Big Iron World".

It seems like the old adage of "Nice Guys Finish Last" holds true, so with that in mind, I'm going to become an *sshole.
I will no longer respect the rules of the road and will drive with pure abandon. I won't use any turn signals. I will cut you off when you clearly have the right of way and will call your mother, as well as your grandmother, filthy names as I do it.
I will play my tasteless music too loud past your house at two in the morning, even though I know you have kids.
I will cut in front of you at any given line, and if you challenge me, I will treat you like a jackass for not realizing my obvious supremacy.
I will fart in elevators.
I will borrow your car, under the guise of taking my sick mother to the grocery, so I can go score drugs and wreck it on the way to the strip club.
I will swear creatively at old people, children, minorities, the crippled, and mentally retarded.
I will offer to take you "out on the town" for your birthday, get you drunk, run up a big tab, and claim to have left my wallet at home and make you pay for the whole thing. Afterwords, we will stop at Taco Bell, and I'll make you pay for that too.
I will never pay you back, or give you a ride when you really, really need one.
I will crap in your front yard and blame it on the neighbor's dog, even though it clearly contains the remnants of a chili-cheese burrito wrapper.
I will spit on your floor, bang your girlfriend, and make sure that your ice-cube trays are filled with my bodily fluids.
I will show up at inappropriate times, say Thanksgiving, drunk, and demand money.
Anything you really value I will break, consume, or ruin.

Well that pretty well covers it. I plan on starting these behaviors on monday morning and you all can just look out. I'm sure I will be able to think of some new things on tuesday as I pour sugar in your tank and steal the last shred of your faith in humanity.

I'm a Bastard, and Bastards always have good days.

Who am I kidding? If nice guys finish last, just think of me bringing up the rear.



  1. Can I at least try that farting in elevator thing? It sounds like a gas!

  2. Ouch. You must have taken a pretty good beating recently.

    Here's the thing with assholes--they'll eventually get what's coming to them, it's just that it might not be in a place, manner or time that you're able to see it when it happens. That gives me some comfort anyway.

  3. Tune in tomorrow-- I've got a Theme Song for Doc and th' rest of us.


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