How to Frighten Your Friends and Drive Away Loved Ones

Beer. It is a wonderful elixir. A true boon to help you celebrate life's joys, as well as being a comfort in times of woe, but any beer drinker can tell you that this marvelous beverage does have it's side effects, namely beer farts.

These harmless little bubbles of air crop up a few hours after imbibing, usually with great fanfair, but very little stench. Well why not use these little noisy anomolies to your advantage and reek some vengence on those who have slighted you in the past?

Do you share a cubicle with an irksome coworker? Going on a long trip with an relative you dislike? Does that guy in the elevator every morning just bug the crap out of you? Well set yourself up as a human timebomb.

Start with the beer. Six will do, but twelve is better, as it gives you a much longer window to really inflict some nasal pain. As you keep knocking the beer back contemplate the hurt you are about to inflict. Revenge is so much sweeter if it is revelled in ahead of time. Also, have a friend drink with you. As you are drinking you can share stories about who you are going to be cruel to the next day. Cheap domestic beer will do the trick, but the truly hard core beer revengist will opt for a dark import as this really seems to add an extra edge to your final output.

Okay, you have given yourself the propellent, now it is time to season the aroma. Start with eggs. Lots of eggs. Chili with beans is also a wonderful aromatic. The truly vengeful will have eggs in their chili. A couple of bean burritos serve double duty as a propellent and an aromatic. Most any mexican food will do, but go easy on the jalapenos, because at some point you are going to have to sit down and rid yourself of this nightmarish cocktail that you are brewing inside and hot peppers don't tend to be kind on exiting, especially with beer. Greasy onion rings add a distinct charm to your gastrointestinal A-bomb, as well as making the odor linger for a very long time, but be aware, should you consume one White Castle hamburger, the onion stink will be emitting from you for the next four days and even you will not be able to stand yourself for that long. You will catch yourself breaking wind and have to flee the room, screaming, from your own emission.

Now comes the percolation. Try not belch too much as you are losing propellent every time you do. Try and wind up your beer drinking six hours prior to unleashing your unholy stink upon the unsuspecting world, as six hours is about right for everything you have consumed to intermingle and reach epic proportions. Should you need to hurry the process in order to meet your timeframe you might try a pogo stick or trampoline as this works the bubbles into a frenzy, but be aware, after a dozen beers and a gut full of the above food this much motion also tends to induce vomiting and that ruins any real hope of vengence. Should you feel the need to check your progress during the night, feel free to fluff the covers, but only if you are truely brave.

Now you are armed with something that no weapons check or metal detector can take away. You can startle old women and make children run and hide. You can gaurentee a seat to yourself on the train or bus to work. If you carpool be sure to hit the windows lock before picking up your victim so you can watch their panic as they helplessly keep pushing the button in the vain hope that the fifth try will finally give them the fresh air they crave so badly. Want to see the line for the deli disappear in a hurry? Do the "one cheek sneak" and then quietly suggest that some of the meat must have gone rancid. Want to rapidly advance in the company? Sit down next to your boss in an important meeting and cut loose with a long loud one, and as soon as you finish look startled and turn to your boss and say, "My lord Phil! What crawled in you and died?" Next week you'll have the corner office.

In essence, you will be able to knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. No need to thank me. I do this as a public service.

Doc