Monday, June 16, 2008

Do you have time for a few random thoughts?

Well the summer heat has just started to kick in with temps in the mid-nineties and the humidity at about the same, but some have found ways to beat the heat.
I think it has fried my brain. With that in mind, let me share some of my hallucinations, delusions, and general meanderings.

  • I have a small scar at my hairline from a bad zit I had as a teenager. It bugs me.

  • It is tough living with three artists in the house. There isn't a room in our house that does have an example of their art DRAWN ON the wall. The youngest won't quit drawing on the walls and playing her guitar really loudly at all hours. The oldest enjoys cutting things up with scissors, even things we wanted to keep, to create some of her art. While Flannery is a grand master at good conversation, wit, and sarcasm and it takes a lot out of me to keep up with her.

  • I asked my dad once why they call a bottle opener a churchkey. He asked me, "What is there to steal in a church?". Well, nothing I could think of. "There you go, why bother to lock the door if there isn't anything to steal?" It didn't really answer my question, but I had it answered two weeks later when thieves broke into our church and stole three air conditioners, two computers, and the Minister's ivory chess set, but all of the robes and hymnals were still there.

  • I have that "not so fresh feeling" more often than I care to admit.

  • I hate advertising so much I quit listening to the radio, and I tape all four of the shows I watch on tv so I can skip the commercials, as well as canceling my subscription to the newspaper. I only wear clothing that endorses something that I would recommend to friends and loved ones (e.g. B.B. King, Harvard, Monopoly, Jimi Hendrix, Guinness).

  • On Cap'n Ergo's visit, he took a photo of the books in our bathroom. Two Foxtrot collections, a Calvin & Hobbes book, as well as the new, revised Aristotle Reader. Three comic books and a philosophy book. I'm sure he did this for some future blog post, but what does this say about us?

  • I never liked the phrase "chewing the fat" or "Bullshitting". I like "Shooting the Bull". It sounds like we are getting something done.

  • I can honestly admit I have learned something, when to speak up. I'm still a little shaky on the keeping the mouth closed thing though. At any given time, I have at least six wrong answers to any seven questions.

  • I have never been arrested for a violent crime. Wacky, stupid, and midly drunken -yes, but never violent. I've been busted and escorted home for throwing a water ballon. Funny story that is.

  • Somewhere out there, you have a Doppleganger, but you are having much more fun than they ever will, look better, make more money, have a nicer place, much better taste, and a mysterious quality that just makes people want to be your friend. The only drawback is they have a cooler car and have a lot more sex, but they are never as happy as you always will be.

  • Look in your silverware drawer. Do you have a fork or a spoon that you have no idea where they came from? I keep finding odd spoons and forks that just don't match our pattern and I don't know where they are coming from. And for some odd reason, it is never a butter knife. All of those are ours.

  • The pumpkin patch is doing well. We have a contest going to see who grows the best with a case of Good Beer on the line. John and Meshell are the judges, but I know they can be be bribed with the right amount of Bud Light Lime finding it's way to the right fridge.

  • A guy stops into his favorite watering hole after work and notices a new machine next to the jukebox and pinball machines. He asks the bartender about it and he tells him that it tells your fortune if you pee into a cup, but it costs $10. So the guy puts in his money and a little paper cup drops out like a coffee vending machine. He goes to the Gent's and takes a whiz and returns it to the machine and puts it in. The machine whirrs and beeps and in thirty seconds, kicks out a piece of paper. It reads, "You Will Be Confounded By The Future". "Crummy piece of shit," he pronounces, "I'll show it!" and he heads home. He has his wife, his teenage daughter, and the dog pee in a cup. To top it all off, he pours in some oil from his car and masturbates into it as well. He returns to the bar, inserts $10, and pours in his mixture. The machine whirrs and beeps for a good five minutes and kicks out a piece of paper. He snatches it up and reads, "You Wife Is Cheating On You With Your Best Friend, Your Daughter Is Pregnant By A Haitian Drug User, Your Dog Is Going To Have Puppys, Your Car Needs A Valve Job, And If You Keep That Up You Will Go Blind."

  • Is it weird that I can understand why someone would want to have something pierced, but I don't understand the desire to get tattoos? A hole grows over if you don't use it, but tattoo's are for life.

  • When are spats going to come back in style? Can anyone tell me?

  • For every mosquito bite you don't get, thank a bat, a spider, or a duck.

  • Some of my favorite phrases are, "You Win!", "The Money Is All Yours!", "Here...", "I've got a present for you," "Your turn," No, I'll pick up the check,"and "What would You Like Me To Do Next?' Runner-Up Phrases include, "Sir, I believe you dropped this $50 bill,", "Would you like a free one?", and "The name on the grave is Arch Stanton."

  • I seldom give dictation.

  • Have you ever found a bruise on yourself you can't account for?

  • Why does cold beer in hot weather work so much better in you rather than on you? It doesn't really cool you off as much as you would hope, but you don't seem to mind the heat as much.

  • I'm thinking of adopting a Slovenian, or an experienced teacher. Any suggestions?

  • The older I get, the more I start wondering where and when I spent my misspent youth.

  • Impeachment is not enough; A good spanking then a Firing Squad.

  • Did anyone catch the weather? It's very hot here.

  • I wish I had an automatic ice-maker. I'd fill the hot tub.

  • I took Spanish in High School because I have trouble spelling English, why try French?

  • A bottle in front of me is better than a Frontal-Lobeotomy.

  • I cry at movies and it makes me ashamed of myself. Who cries at the end of a porno?

  • "Ped" is Latin for foot & child. That is why we have pedals on a bike and pedophiles in jail.

  • I hate the fact that our money is becomeing more colorful. Can't we just stick with green? I like green.

  • Why would anyone file their teeth unless they were a cannibal? And if they were, I bet they only had a few close friends, and they didn't work in customer service.

  • Do you own a bathing suit that you look great in? I don't, but somebody must. They keep selling them.

  • Why have I never gotten one single telegram?

  • Water Polo should be banned. It is tough on the horses.

  • Join the fight against metrics. We don't want no Foreign Rulers.

  • I'm addicted to reading bumper stickers even though my eyesight isn't that good. I'm apt to be a jerk and tail gate you for a mile or two just so I can read what it is you endorse. I'm funny like that.

  • The new Indiana Jones movie was very good, almost as good as the first one.

  • I have regretted eating squid, organ meats, and a small portion of Flannery's chili.

  • I'm sure your mother had her faults, but she was a fantastic person, and everyone who knew her would agree, except this one guy in high school who hit on her and she wouldn't come across, but he is generaly ignored because it is understood that he is an asshole.

  • I've played marbles for money.

  • If you raise a shitstorm, it is best not to check the weather every five minutes.

  • If you have been bitten by a dog, is it okay to bite him back?




  1. You want a little heads-up on the next fashion craze that's about to sweep the nation?

    Spats with flip-flops.

    Mark my words...

  2. Did you *decide* to end that, or did you run out of thoughts at that moment? My money's on your having decided to stop. Very entertaining, either way.

    BTW, that pic reminded me of a similar self-cooling mechanism I thought up this weekend using an air compressor. (I'm kind of an air-power-tool junkie.)

  3. heeeees on a roll, folks!!

    Tattoos are great, BTW. I've got a few.

    I wonder how many 10 lb bags of ice you'd need to put a nice edge on the hottub? And could you save on chemicals if the water was COLD vs HOT?

    i still don't understand why it's called a churchkey, despite how brilliant your father was

    I've worn spats in marching band. They're a P.I.T.A.

  4. Interesting points. I shall have to think long & hard about these. Except I do know one off hand, yes, you are allowed to bite the dog back. :)

  5. Doc, this was an awesome post STOP. Please write more like this STOP. I love randomness STOP.

    Hee haw and Merry Christmas, Sam Wainwright.

  6. A wonderful collection of thoughts Doc, and I do have the answer to "Who cries at the end of a porno?"

    All of us guys who are not hung like that.

  7. Love love love the word Shitstorm. Thank you for writing it, just seeing it there made me happy

    And on the dog thing? yes

  8. Do they still have telegrams? Other than the Beckeye kind? You're a man of wisdom, talent and possibly heatstroke. Somehow though, I feel cooler for reading this.

  9. Whoever said that youth was wasted on the young knew what the hell he was talking about.

  10. Some Guy- I wouldn't doubt it. Those Madison Ave. guy's can peddle anything.

    BSUWG- You got me, I ran out of thoughts. And I've experienced the air compressor insant coll-down a time or two. It is refreshing, but short lived.

    $teve- Thanks, I will, but the mouthful of fur is almost worse than the bite.

    Beckeye- Message recieved stop I almost choked on my beer as I read it stop. Best telegram ever stop I laughed so hard I couldn't stop

    Skyler's Dad- I was thinking the exact same thing as I wrote it. Those poor blessed/cursed people...

    Gifted Typist- There are just some words that enrich our language more than others and I think "shitstorm" is one of them, as well as crawfish (to break or retract a promise), hiccup (a small glitch or a snag in the plan) and gonad, just because it sounds funny.

    Dale- "A man of wisdom, talent and possibly heatstroke." From you Sir, that is high praise, but all three are a medical condition I've been trying to fight off for several years, but to no avail.

    Vikkitikkitavi- I'm not sure who said it first, but the old man on the porch yells it as George Bailey is trying to woo his girl in "It's a Wonderful Life". When winter comes, head east and I'll buy you a beer and we can watch it with the kids. It'll be a hoot!


  11. Can you still send telegrams?
    Shitstorm is a fabulous word.
    This was a great post to read while sipping a cold one.

    thanks Doc,



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