Thursday, August 28, 2008

Notes From The Bottom Drawer, "How We Protect Ourselves From Thieves" edition

Let's face it. Times have gotten a lot tougher for a lot of people. Folks who would never pocket the "Have a penny, leave a penny; Need a penny, take a penny" tray at their local convience store are now considering a life of crime. Chicago is suffering a rash of man-hole cover thefts, as the thieves can sell them for scrap and make $20 each. I'm certain that gangs will figure out soon enough that your aluminum spouting is worth a good deal and start stripping whole neighborhoods. It is simply a matter of time.

So how do you protect yourself and your family from theft?

Easy. Own crap.

Thieves don't rob hobos and why you might ask? They don't have anything worth taking. Have you ever heard of a shoplifting case at a yard sale? Should you find yourself saddled with an expensive SUV or sports car, an oversized T.V. and home, as well as a wallet groaning with cash, you might want to purchase Doc's Foolproof Anti-Theft advice.

Get rid of it all, rent an attic apartment and get your entertainment from the library. I drive a piece of shit and leave the keys in it. No one ever steals it. Also plant lots of roses and raspberries around your windows and doors. It is nature's barbed wire and you get flowers and fruit too.



  1. Fine ideas Doc, I am already doing that plan and didn't even know it!

    We own the worlds finest collection of scratch and dent sale furniture around!

  2. I realized when I moved recently that my possessions fall into one of three categories: bed/bedding, girly products and CDs. That's it. The only person who would benefit from robbing me is a cold, music-loving chick on her period.


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