Thursday, October 30, 2008

Random Thoughts And Questions

I can tell that the economy is in a down turn and I don't need an analyst to tell me. The grocery store where I work is running a sale on ramien noodles and it is an ongoing sale. I'd hate to be a car salesman, a jewelry salesman, or a fur dealer about now.

Have you ever gotten into the shower and just stood still under the water for a moment and then try to move and it feels like you have to peel your feet from the bottom of the shower as if they have achieved suction? Isn't that weird?

Have you ever been grumpy all day and couldn't understand why until you get home from work and peel your socks and underwear off and you instantly have a whole new outlook on life?

Why does lobster and crab meat taste sweet? I would understand if Hershey, Pa. had seafood, but I've seen what these things eat and it is very far from Twinkies.

Is it a silly question to ask a hooker for change for a five?

I would like to purchase a used but working parking meter and install it in my driveway, just so I could get visitors to contribute to my kid's college fund.

I would like to go to San Fransisco and just spend the day on the docks just so I could really understand Otis Redding.

Just once, I would like to go to a fast food establishment and receive a sandwich like the one in the picture.

I'd like to have a beer truck have a flat in front of my house. I would run out to help and the driver would look me in the eye and say, "There is no way I can jack it up when it's full! What am I going to do with all this beer?"

Why does an embarrassing itch never crop up when you are alone?

Just out of some perverse curiosity, I would like to see a book published that has been scientifically researched on the in depth study of the underwear of the clergy. I'm willing to bet my parking meter money that there are some animal prints in there somewhere.

I'd like to own a catapult and park it on the front lawn, just to show the neighbors I mean business.

Have you ever seen a car in traffic with a sticker on it saying they support local police charities? Do they think this is going to save them from a ticket? Does it?

As a seller of doughnuts, I would like to take this opportunity to shatter the myth that cops eat lots of doughnuts. In my two years in the business, I have sold a total of four doughnuts to the men in blue. Twice, I peddled two glazed doughnuts to an officer of the law and it was the same guy both times. The cops know that there is never anything good left after the firefighters have been there first.

How does a "young tart" compare with an "old slut" when youthful zeal and boundless energy are trumped by determination and experience every time? I have heard this said but don't have any experience in either, so I don't know.

We have all heard the old adage about, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." I would like to add, "You can lead a horse to the track but you can't make him deliver on 20 to 1."

Have you ever thought about stewed prunes? To make them must be like Dr. Frankenstein putting a raisin into some vat of rejuvenating liquid, super-charged by lightening, and arriving at some unsightly mess that has the strength to straighten a quarter mile of crooked plumbing into a short straight stretch from the back of your mouth to it's exit. Did you know that prunes are what gives Dr. Pepper it's flavor?

What is the weirdest place you have ever had sex? Mine is Ohio, hands down.

When it comes to partying, I know my limit. Four soft taco supremes, two chili-cheese burritos, and two orders of fiesta potatoes is my limit, but I might be able to help you with those nachos if you need it.

I have often stated that I like beer. I would like to change my stance on the subject. Heretofore, I would like to go on record as saying I am overtly fond of it. I enjoy it's taste, color, and bouquet. My only objection is it's price. How can bottled water be such a big business when the only way to assure yourself of clean drinking water is to brew it into beer? There is something wrong here somewhere, I'm sure of it.

In my public school health class, the the male gym teacher who was teaching rudimentary first-aid asked the class if they could think of something that might be handy for a bandage for a bleeding wound. The class was silent. I raised my hand and suggested a kleenex, but while he agreed that this wasn't a bad answer, it wasn't the one we were looking for. "It is something designed to hold blood anyway," he hinted. The empty stares were too much after a while and he gave us the answer. "A pad," he suggested. More blank stares, as sex ed was reserved for the end of the year. "A Tampax," he said and suddenly everyone nodded their collective heads. Later on things backfired on our health teacher when we were studying alcohol and drugs. When he invited in senior students to discuss the topic of drugs and alcohol before the class, all of them had nightmarish alcohol stories, but the only girl of the whole senior group advised all of the younger girls that if they smoked enough pot they would no longer have to suffer having periods, and cramps and bloating would be a thing of the past. She was hustled off stage quickly. Pity. I liked her.

As a suggestion to help you through the tough times that seem to be looming ahead, I would like to suggest a phrase that might help ease your load. The next time you feel that the pressure has gotten too much and you are just about to burst, try this tactic. Stand up, where ever you are and shout to the heavens and the stars above, "I Need A Jiffylube!!!" You will feel much better than you can ever imagine.



  1. A couple of random thoughts and answers...

    I feel better after taking off my socks, but I go commando, so I never have that new outlook on life... pity...

    If I ever knock over another parking meter, it's yours!

    Instead of a catapult, go for a belt-fed weapon.

    The weirdest place I have ever had sex is in a basket... In Thailand.

    I don't have a Jiffy Lube nearby, is it OK to yell for Grease Monkey?

  2. Why does an embarrassing itch never crop up when you are alone?

    ummm I had this same thought during Computer Graphics class today.

    What is the weirdest place you have ever had sex?

    I was always told to stay out of Jersey......I didnt listen.

    I'd like to own a catapult and park it on the front lawn, just to show the neighbors I mean business.

    ohhhh do it Doc.


  3. When I get stressed, I like to yell "Calgon, take me away!"

  4. I'm not at all sure where to begin.

    Firstly, I ALWAYS feel better with no clothes-- gives me a TOTALLY new outlook on life.

    Second, have I got a book for you!! (prepare to deal with zoning laws, though).

    lots of VERY strange things go on in Ohio all the time. Sex is but one of the strangest.

  5. Ohio is weird, all right, but hands down? I thought that was how it was supposed to be done.


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