Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Night We Burnt The Dictionary

I went to Tiki after work this evening and we burnt the dictionary. Franklinton told me that a very wise man once told him that anything he needed to know was in the dictionary, so Franklinton looked up "knowledge" and wasn't satisfied with it's answer. On that alone was it cast into the fire and burned.

Franklinton knew how I felt about books and offered me a tissue, but then he asked me if this was the first book-burning I had ever attended.

"No," I admitted in all honesty, "I've been to one other." and then he insisted that I tell him the story.

I isn't an evening that I like to recall, but I have attended a book-burning party once.

I had gone to visit with my buddies one fall Friday night and there was a chill in the air but it was still warm enough to have the party outside. Flannery and I were the last to arrive and by the time we showed up, the bonfire was well stacked. My friend April had inherited four large boxes full of books from her mother and she was prepared to add them all to the bonfire.

At first I was aghast to see my friends burning books and it conjured up images of Nazis starting a fire and swastika flags waving in the firelight. I had to see what it was that they were torching in the vain hope that I could save a few. I picked through the titles of all four boxes only to discover that what they were condemning to fire and ash were Reader's Digest Condensed Versions Of The Classics and Harlequin Romance novels.

I gladly helped to pile them onto the fire and felt all the better for it, and at several points in the evening warmed my ass.

Franklinton wasn't satisfied at this and asked me to rewrite the dictionary so that he could have a current one, as his was forty-seven years out of date. "How long would that take you?" he asked. "The rest of my life," I speculated. I recommend Wikiapedia, but that wouldn't do in Franklinton's book as he has an extreme aversion to the computer. "I want one I can hold in my hand!" he insisted.

So for Franklinton, I am writing a new dictionary, but I am going to need the help of my esteemed readership in order to complete it, but this should do for a start.

A, Asshole: Everybody knows one. See also Politician.

B, Bastard: A person born out of wedlock, or more generally used to describe a mean, nasty person.

C, Can't: A contraction of two words "can" and "not", often used instead of the more correct word "won't". Other C words were considered for this, but were left out for reasons of "good taste".

D, Damn: A mild oath that was often used to condemn a person, place, or thing to eternal suffering in Hell. Now it is more commonly used as an exclamation mark, as in, "Damn, would you look at the ass on her!" or "Damn, there is no reason to break both of my legs, I would have paid you the money!"

E, Ergo: Therefore, derived from Latin and used by pirates everywhere.

F, Fuck: After all, what else could I possibly put here? Fastidious?

G, Gonad: A sex gland, and it is fun to say.

H, Hell: Once thought to be a mythical place propagated by the Christian religion, but now is recognised as a very real place that consists of eternal suffering. The famous Italian writer, Dante, described it as having nine levels but extensive scientific research has proven there are at least forty-two. The worst level has the sinner wedged between Hitler and the members of ABBA attending an Amway meeting and sorting mismatched socks for all eternity.

I, Ignoramus: An ignorant person. Much like an asshole, everybody knows one.

J, Jackass: A male donkey, or a fool, dolt, or blockhead. This is often screamed from open car windows as another car cuts them off.

K, Kilo: From Greek, meaning "one thousand" and of frequent interest to your local law enforcement.

L, Lancet: a small surgical tool often used for letting blood or opening abscesses. It is also great for letting the air out of an asshole's tires.

M, Money: A colorful and elaborately decorated coupon that most people believe will provide happiness. As such it is much sought after by most of the world.

N, Noose: An elaborately tied length of rope that provides a person the chance to piss themselves in public because they can't whistle.

O, Owl: A nocturnal, predatory bird often associated with the Greek goddess Athena and said to denote wisdom, but how wise can a bird be that lives on mice?

P, Penis: a reproductive organ much sought after by nine-tenths of the female population, but only if it is attached to a large bank account.

Q, Queer: A word that has garnered negative connotations in recent years and has been associated with homosexuality, which is a shame, since homosexuality is very common and Queer denotes odd or unusual.

R, Resisting Arrest: A perfectly natural response from human beings facing incarceration, often accompanied by charges of Public Drunkenness, Civil Unrest, Defacing Public Property, Indecent Exposure, and Insulting A Police Officer In The Normal Course Of His Duties, all of which are normal, rational behavior. Would you like the phone number of my lawyer?

S, Shit: a commodity in large supply that people always seem to want to give you freely.

T, Tits: The mammary glands of an adult female which are best viewed naked and perky.

U, Unbiased: Without bias or preconceived notions, much like you hope your jury is.

V, Victory: The successful conclusion to a contest or war that is often elusive. E.G. the war on drugs, the war on crime, the war on terror, the war on poverty, etc. al.

W, W.: A President we would rather forget despite the fact that we elected him twice.

X, XXX: a rating often used to denote hardcore pornography or really good moonshine.

Z, Zymurgy: A branch of chemistry dealing with fermentation, as in winemaking, brewing, or distilling, and the most noble of all the sciences.

There you are Franklinton, the seeds of what is to become a grand dictionary just for you, but please Dear and Gentle Reader, add your suggestions in the comments as I have a long way to go to round out the rest.

Yours in words and suds,


  1. Sorry, Doc, I'm one who has only the highest personal regard for bastards. After all, they're not responsible for their own conception. Maybe you meant to slam the lying ones (I know a little about that too). Here's a book that might help, as long as you promise not to burn it: Your Call is Important To Us: The Truth About Bullshit by Laura Penny, 2005

  2. I agree, burn the damn thing. How come every time you can't spell something people tell you to look it up in the dictionary. How am I supposed to look up a word if I don't know how to fucking spell it?!?!

  3. A fine start indeed! You also need to add the following for anyone who speaks w/me (I'm printing out a copy for Spooky as well):

    BOOT: a car's trunk
    BONNET: the hood of a car
    CHEMISTS: the pharmacy
    FORTNIGHT: a period of 2 weeks
    PINCH: to steal
    OOSH: white bread, like Wonder
    SUSS: to figure something out

    Oh, and you also need to write your "F"s backwards with a slash through it-- like some people make a 7


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