Thursday, January 08, 2009

Why William Nesselroad Of Stockport Ohio Is An Asshole

In the local paper, The Repository, they ran a Notes & Quotes: Best of 2008 feature that appeared on the Op-Ed page. They were an interesting selection to say the least. Let me reprint a few to give you some idea of the content.

“Remember all those times I tackled you? That’s why you walk the way you do.” Former Cleveland Brown Vince Costello of Magnolia, teasing his former high school football coach, Cliff Faust, 85.

“I don’t know anyone in life who woke up and said, ‘I want to be a crackhead.’ “ The Rev. Sheldon Brown of Canton.

“I was no hero. The heroes didn’t make it; 2000 of them.” Pearl Harbor survivor Adone “Cal” Caldrone of Jackson Township.

“Sacrifice without remembrance is meaningless.” Scott Warner of Canton, whose Marine son, Heath, died in Iraq in 2006.

“I swear, she’s crazy. But I love her to death. …She swears a lot. She’s folding clothes and screaming at the TV. She’s Irish, so you have to cut her some slack.” Ohio State football player Alex Boone, describing his grandmother’s reaction to media criticism of OSU.

Now let it be understood that I have never met Mister William Nesselroad of Stockport Ohio. I know nothing whatsoever about Mr. Nesselroad other than he resides in some vague area I could probably find on a map if bothered to spend fifteen minutes. I wouldn’t be able to pick him out in a line-up, but from his name, I’m guessing he comes from European stock and is probably white. Mind you, this is only a guess. I didn’t read the article that Mr. Nesselroad’s quote was taken from, and I am reading it completely out of its original context, but I could swear that Mister William Nesselroad of Stockport Ohio is an asshole.

His quote reads:

“The color of Mr. Obama’s skin- he will not carry this area. Down here, Friday afternoon is when you wash the sheets. Saturday is when you hang them out. Sunday is when you wear them.”

Now longtime readers of Social Zymurgy know that I am by nature an easy-going, well-meaning sort who would never take someone to task over some silly mistake. I try very hard not to make snap judgments or condemn someone for their faults, as I live in a glass house myself. But this time I’m just madder than hell.

Mister William Nesselroad of Stockport Ohio, I would like to go on record and say, “You sir, are an asshole!” I am ashamed to share a state with you. This kind of bigotry has no place in this nation of ours and if yours is born out of ignorance, I suggest you learn.

If your bigotry comes from the way you see the world as you think it ought to be, then I hope that this statement dogs you for the rest of your life. I hope this costs you a job or a loan. I hope you lost a friend over this. I hope your folly strikes you hard in the face like a garden rake you have stepped on and leaves a permanent mark like the one Cain wore. May food turn to ash in your mouth and may you find no rest in sleep. May your skin crack and blister in the sun.

And Mister William Nesselroad of Stockport Ohio, if at any point you consider what I have said to be libel, then let me do you a favor. “I, Doc, on this day, January Eighth, in the year of our Lord, two-thousand and nine did invoke malice, contempt, and ill-will upon one William Nesselroad, who is a well known asshole.”


If you want a piece of me you son of a bitch, contact my lawyer, Jay Noble Dagget at 2405 Broad Ave. NW, Canton Ohio.

I hope you get hit by a train you prick.



  1. I share your contempt Doc, and will share your cell with you if it comes to that!

  2. Doc, you and me need to FINALLY join the Elks (it's 09, for cryin' out loud!) and then th' lot of us will go find this zeeb and pee on his lawn.


  3. Good for you, Doc! I see you have your own pin of righteousness. If you promise me you'll use it again the next time the "N" word starts flying around Tiki, I'll love you more than I already do, and that's a lot!


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