This is my living will. Should something happen that I am in a coma and am unable to speak for myself or transact the daily business of life, I am putting Flannery in charge. She is in charge now so me being out of it won't change much. Should I stay in this incapacitated state for more than a week certain measures need to be taken. First, start the morphine drip even if I am not in any pain, because when the hell else am I going to have access to drugs this good? Next, turn on the movie channel as there might be something good on. I will also need copious amounts of strawberry ice cream as I'm in a coma and could care less about my waistline at this point. Also, I will be needing conjugal visits every other day. I know this won't be much fun for Flannery, but she is just going to have to give it the "old college try". Under no circumstances should my children be allowed to draw on me with a marker, no matter how funny it makes Daddy look.
My nails and hair should be trimmed and kept neat, but my beard should be allowed to grow as it pleases as it will make the "before" and "after" pictures that much more dramatic when I come to. I will also be needing around the clock medical care that should be administered by a crack team of specialists. These specialists will be voluptuous and scantily clad at all times. There should be a cold beer always on hand to be administered the instant I awaken, and not some crappy domestic beer either. It should be Red Stripe from Jamaica.
Regardless of the expense, never, ever pull the plug! Also the morphine should be left on for a few days after I return to my senses.
Doc
Can I draw on you with markers? I'm an excellent drawer.
ReplyDeleteHow about the morphine drip in one arm and a strawberry ice cream drip in the other?
ReplyDeleteRemind me again, why do you want to live with George Will?
ReplyDeleteIt's fine that you specify voluptuous and scantily clad for your attendants, but you might also consider specifying female as well. Unless you want Richard Simmons.
ReplyDeleteDang man, you make being comatose almost seem like fun.
ReplyDeleteYou better hope Flannery doesn't just skim this, or you could end up with a special team of crackheads taking care of you.
ReplyDeleteSome Guy- Still lifes and tastefully done nudes are acceptable but political cartoons are out as I won't understand them when I wake up.
ReplyDeleteSkyler's Dad- This is why God gave us two arms isn't it?
Dr. MVM- Because he is the only man I ever met who could outdrink me. I've seen him put away six cases of beer and still have the nerve to insist that he didn't steal Carter's briefing book before the now famous Reagan/Carter debate. Cheeky bastard.
Copper Green- Thank you for pointing out my mistake. I would never want to awaken from a coma to find Richard Simmons as he is annoying and my gate just doesn't swing that way.
Cormac Brown- Think of it this way: no time clock to punch, no telemarketers to answer, and all the cable TV you can stand. In short, all the benefits of being dead but with the slim chance that you will return to life and begin banging girls again. Win-Win!
Beckeye- Crackheads are welcome as long as they share and they are out by nine as I still need my beauty rest.
Doc
Thanks for reminding me. I need to update my living will to include the phrase "tequila drip."
ReplyDeleteYou're so good to her only insisting on every other day conjugals!
ReplyDeleteEr, I don't to step on the CSN/Gilmour post, so I'll put this here- are you up for Round Two?
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for doing all the work. I can just tweak a bit and use this as a template of my own. On second thought, no tweaking needed.
ReplyDelete