Thursday, September 17, 2009
My Living Will, or What To Do When The Coma Comes
This is my living will. Should something happen that I am in a coma and am unable to speak for myself or transact the daily business of life, I am putting Flannery in charge. She is in charge now so me being out of it won't change much. Should I stay in this incapacitated state for more than a week certain measures need to be taken. First, start the morphine drip even if I am not in any pain, because when the hell else am I going to have access to drugs this good? Next, turn on the movie channel as there might be something good on. I will also need copious amounts of strawberry ice cream as I'm in a coma and could care less about my waistline at this point. Also, I will be needing conjugal visits every other day. I know this won't be much fun for Flannery, but she is just going to have to give it the "old college try". Under no circumstances should my children be allowed to draw on me with a marker, no matter how funny it makes Daddy look.
My nails and hair should be trimmed and kept neat, but my beard should be allowed to grow as it pleases as it will make the "before" and "after" pictures that much more dramatic when I come to. I will also be needing around the clock medical care that should be administered by a crack team of specialists. These specialists will be voluptuous and scantily clad at all times. There should be a cold beer always on hand to be administered the instant I awaken, and not some crappy domestic beer either. It should be Red Stripe from Jamaica.
Regardless of the expense, never, ever pull the plug! Also the morphine should be left on for a few days after I return to my senses.