Thursday, December 31, 2009

Post-Holiday Snafu Speech Writer

I had a wonderful Christmas and got underwear and toys. I can only hope that yours was as good. I loafed with Flannery and the girls for a few days afterwards, playing games and munching on leftovers. It was nice. We got a white post-Christmas and built a fire. These were the days that stand out when your life chooses to flit past your eyes in some pre-death experience that only plays in fast-forward.

Regardless, I spent this evening doing something I have never done before. I sat and wrote a speech to be delivered by a buddy of mine before a judge on Monday, and had a few beers as I penned it. I've drank beer and penned speeches for judges before, but I've never done it for a friend. It was always my speech, my judge, and my court date, not someone else's.

You see, I have very few of what most of the world would consider "viable skills". Apparently writing happens to be one of them as my friends seek me out when they want something committed to paper. I have been consulted on job proposals, wedding vows, wills, and contracts. My written opinion has been sought on such weighty philosophical matters as love, peace, and cocktail hours.

I try and approach each new challenge with as much aplomb as I can muster, which isn't really saying much as my "aplomb bob" seems to waiver at times. My peers think of me as something of a man of letters and while I've mastered twenty-three of twenty-six, I still tend to throw in too many Q's, U's, and E's if for no other reason than to make it look French and therefore acceptable to polite society. They tell me I've a gift for words but most are of the four letter variety and I politely ask to be excused.

Not tonight.

My buddy ran afoul of the law and he is in real trouble. He stands to have a large rock around his neck for quite some time. He is my buddy and I want to help him but my legal advice wouldn't fill a thimble. What can I do? Tell him that he will enjoy wearing striped clothing as it will make him look slimmer? Console him with the fact that he will get to enjoy someone else's cooking for a change? Should I explain that dropping the soap in the shower is a great way to make new friends?

No. I have to write a speech like the one that kept several Congressmen out of the pokey for breaking the law. They had power and money and influence and the best speech writer's that this generation could disgorge. My poor buddy is stuck with me because I'll do it for a large plate of ham and eggs.

All I can say is, I hope it helps. He deserves a break, and while I know that Providence rarely gives them to those who need them, I hope his turns up.

And while we are on the subject of breaks, I hope someone with power, influence, and money reads this and are hiring. All I ask is to work from home on my own hours, and a killer spell-check program, as I can't spell sheet.



  1. Horizontal stripes are not slimming. It's a good thing you didn't mislead him.

    I would hire you, except that you and I have exactly the same skills or lack thereof, and therefore are competing for the same jobs.

    You're just lucky I'm lazy. You can take that job, whateveritis.

  2. I hope your buddy gets a break, and I hope you have a wonderful 2010.

  3. Well, when you get that huge dollar amount paying job as a writer, I will join you as an editor and then you don't have to worry about spelling sheet. Good luck to your buddy.


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