The Sign Down The Street Says...

The sign down the street says: Barney's Bar & Grill. Under new management; now open at 10 AM. I think they are trying to attract the "earlybirds". I know I start craving a beer and some pickled eggs at about 10 AM. How about you?

The sign on the church down the street says: Stop, Drop, & Roll won't help you in Hell! I don't know. You might just roll into some very interesting people. With any luck, they will be attractive and will want to continue sinning with you!

The sign down the street says: Horse Poo 50 cents. Makes a great gift!

Phrases I love and am always looking for a way to work into any conversation:

"Well that will put lead in yer pencil!"

"Let's run that up the flag pole and see who salutes it."

"Rectum? It nearly killed him!"

"Want to see the dimples on my butt?"

"I laughed so hard I coulda farted feathers!"

"Well there's your problem right there..."

"Could you get me a beer?"

Doc

A Po' Boy Don't Have To Look Shabby

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." - Mark Twain.*

I did something today that I haven't done in ten years. No, I didn't sober up. I went clothes shopping. The last time I went clothes shopping was for a funeral. I'd like to tell you I remember the funeral and the person well, but that would be a lie. I do remember the really cool sunglasses and the sport coat I bought. The coat was a nice checked number, and the glasses looked like the ones Clint Eastwood wore in Dirty Harry. God rest his or her soul, whoever they were.

I don't shop for my own clothes for two reasons. Flannery has excellent taste, and it provides her easy gifts to shop for when a holiday arrives. She knows my sizes, colors, tastes, and needs. She always picks just the right thing and it always has a certain Flannery flair about it. I enjoy wearing what she picks.

The clothes I generally wear fall along the lines of utility. Carharts, Army surplus, T-shirts, jeans; earth tones with lots of pockets that will take a fair amount of wear and tear. I want to purchase an article of clothing that I can get six to ten years worth of wear out of, if for no other reason than I don't want to have to go out and shop for it again anytime soon. I hate shopping, unless it is for something unique to my interests e.g. new house, new car, new canoe, new hat, new beer, new gun, etc. Mostly I just want to know should the occasion arrive that I need certain duds, I have them.

Hence this morning's foray into the world of clothes shopping.

Now far be it for me to give Men's Fashion Tips as my only qualification in the field is that I have read two issues of GQ. Rural, central Ohio is not a hotbed of style gurus, so my formal training is somewhat lacking, but I do know from life experience that some situations call for certain clothes. Let's face it Gentlemen, at some time in your life you will have to attend a wedding, a funeral, a baptism, and a court date. You have to have a few simple things you can throw together so you don't look like some derelict who wandered in off the street to scrounge the ashtrays for butts. Sometimes you just have to look the part.

First off is a white shirt with a collar. At least one, and a tie. Opinions on ties vary according to taste, occasion, and the whim of fashion, but a good rule of thumb is ties with cartoons on them are only cool in situations where you don't need a tie, and take the five minutes it takes to learn how to tie one. There are only three knots and if you can tie your shoes, you can tie your tie. The only exception is the bow tie and I have spent ten years trying to figure out how to make it come out right and not look like a hangman's noose and have never mastered it. Screw it, they make clip on bow ties and no one faults you for not knowing how to tie one.

Two, you need one sport coat or one suit. Nothing fancy, nothing flashy, but it has to fit well. Most dry cleaners offer alterations for about ten bucks and you can pick up a used suit at the thrift store for about the same price. Shoot for grays, dark blues, blacks. Pinstripes never go out of fashion. Just try not to look like a banker in today's economy. In a sport coat, go with a simple tweed. Always remember that you are looking for a suit or sport coat that will be good to wear three seasons out of the year and that doesn't include winter. In winter you would wear a coat over it anyway. A wool suit or coat might look nice, but try wearing it to an out-of-doors funeral in August and you will wish very hard that you could climb into the air-conditioned limo that the widow rode in.

Three, own a turtleneck sweater. If you have to show up somewhere and look respectable (even if you aren't) a turtle-neck sweater beats wearing a tie any day. It is "dressy" enough without all the stuffiness of a tie. It couples good with your sport coat and makes you look like a Bohemian academic and that isn't a bad thing, especially for a date night.

These are time-honored classics that you just need to have. Sure, drag out your Members Only jacket for 80's night, but don't wear it to Grandma's funeral or your sister's third wedding.

That brings me full circle to the story of this morning. I had dropped the kids off at school and had some time to kill. Flannery had told me that she had cashed in some frequent flyer miles, and while they weren't enough to purchase a ticket to anywhere, but they were enough to get us $100 worth of twenty-five dollar gift certificates to our favorite local restaurant. "You've got the night off, right?" she asked. "Sure," I said, and wondered what to wear out on a date with my wife. It isn't often that we spend an evening away from home and if I want to stay in her good graces, I have to look like someone you would want to take out.

I go through my mental checklist. We will not be attending a "cheap" restaurant even if we are doing it on the "cheap". I need a turtle-neck sweater and my checked sport coat. The coat I have, as I got it for So-and-So's funeral. The sweater, I don't have.

My first thought is Macy's but they don't open until noon. Where do I get one at 9:33 AM? Target I decided. They would have cheap men's clothing, so I headed there.

On the way I contemplated how I had clothes to donate to the Salvation Army and I wished that I had had the foresight to bring them with me as it was on the way. Then I had a revelation.

Why not go shopping at the Salvation Army? What I'm looking for is really common and it is going to be cheap. Long story short; I got a dozen sweaters and shirts for $20.

Mind you, I look like I robbed Perry Como's wardrobe as it's all turtlenecks and cardigan sweaters, but a po' boy don't have to look shabby.

I'll tell you about date night later,
Doc

* -Best birthday card I ever got had this Mark Twain quote on it. Inside the card he was naked except for a fig leaf. I have it hanging in the Lodge.

Jes' Thinkin'

"Man is a rope, tied between beast and overman--a rope over an abyss. A dangerous across, a dangerous on-the-way, a dangerous looking-back, a dangerous shuddering and stopping. What is great in man is that he is a bridge and not an end: what can be loved in man is that he is an overture and a going under. I love those who do not know how to live, for they are those who cross over."

-- Friedrich Nietzsche,"Thus Spoke Zarathustra"



There are two things a real man likes, danger and play. That's why he likes women, they are the most dangerous of playthings.

-- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche



No wonder he lived all his life with his mother and sister. Imagine trying to find a blind date for this guy.



Doc

P.S.- I didn't add the speech bubble to the photo. I found it that way.

There Are Two Kinds Of People In This World...

There are "two kinds" in the world....


There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there. -- Indira Gandhi


Men are divided into two groups -- those who love and build and those who hate and destroy. -- Jose Marti


There are two kinds of people in the world: the ones that suck the life out of every day, and the ones that let every day suck the life out of them. -- Bill Purdin


There are only two kinds of scholars; those who love ideas and those who hate them.-- Emile Chartier


There are two kinds of Americans: those who want this country for themselves and those who want it for everyone. -- Bill Purdin


There are two kinds of people: some willing to work and the rest willing to let them.-- Robert Frost


There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing. -- Oscar Wilde




... those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.-- Edward A. Murphy, Jr. of "Murphy's Laws"


People can be divided into two classes: those who go ahead and do something, and those who sit still and inquire, 'Why wasn't it done the other way?' -- 0liver Wendell Holmes




The elect are whosoever will, and the non-elect, whosoever won't.-- Henry Ward Beecher


...those who believe there are two kinds of people, and those who know better.-- Anonymous


...the world is divided into two types of people: those who love to talk, and those who hate to listen. -- James Thorpe




...those who walk into a room and say, "There you are" -- and those who say, "Here I am!"-- Abigail Van Buren


...the givers and the takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better.-- Anonymous


...those who believe in global warming and those who don't. -- Seth Berman




...those who have lost data due to a system crash, and those who will. -- Mike Epstein



...those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig. --Clint Eastwood, "The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly.


And, there are "three kinds" of people in the world....


There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can't stand Picasso, those who can't stand Raphael, and those who've never heard of either of them. -- John White


Today, there are three kinds of people: the have's, the have-not's, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-have's. -- Earl Wilson




People can be divided into three groups:1. Those who make things happen,2. Those who watch things happen,3. And those who wonder what's happening. -- Anonymous


All mankind is divided into three groups: those that are immovable, those that are movable and those that move." -- Benjamin Franklin


There are three kinds of people in the world, the wills, the won'ts, and the can'ts. The first accomplish everything; the second oppose everything, the third fail in everything-- Eclectic Magazine


And, then there are "four kinds"s of people...

There are basically four kinds of people: cop-outs, hold-outs, drop-outs, and all-outs.-- Robert Schuller

***

I was thinking about this familiar phrase the other day and I was wondering how many ways you could divide up the world into two groups, but mostly where would I fall among the divisions.

The "have's" and "have-not's" was the first one I thought of and I definitely come under the heading of "have-not". I have neither money, nor power, nor fame, but I would gladly settle for all of one, or some of all three. If I had all of one, I think I could wing the other two. And while I've known a few "have-some's" and "got-a-bit's", mostly it has been "have-not's". "Have's" don't tend to run with a crowd that would include me, and that's fine, because what would we talk about? I only know just so many lawyer jokes and most of them are off-color and more importantly, "Have's" tend to be wine drinkers and tend to shy away from beer.



But there are a lot of "two kinds of people" comparisons that need to be hit on such as:

• squeeze from the bottom of the toothpaste tube or the middle.


• wear shoes in the house


• bother to trim nose hairs


• would sit through a subtitled film


• would date a Chinese guy named Rusty


• those who use turn signals


• wet their toothbrush before or after applying toothpaste


• would eat something while blindfolded


• would cross the state lines for immoral purposes


• know how to handle a crisis


• those who have been involved in something they should be ashamed of but aren't, and those who really are ashamed.


• can swear creatively at will


• look good naked


• those who "give a shit" and those who don't


• those who have endured an accident/war/tsunami/plague/bad divorce/famine/wild fire/gunshot/mine cave-in/genital warts/etc. and lived to tell the tale and those who haven't


• Those who read Grant Miller and those who don't

Two of the most intriguing divisions I could think of were "men and women" and "us and them". The first has been well covered by both comediens and philosophers alike so I don't think my paltry wit has anything more to add to this minefield of a subject. The division of "us and them" seems to be one of the most destructive lines of demarcation we have ever conceived, as it always seems to come to the surface right before someone suggests that we go hurt "them" as they aren't like "us".

But while it is a hoot to contemplate all the different stripes of people who tread this earth and where we fall amongst them, I don't think it is as productive of a line of thinking as how we are all so much alike. Such as:

• we liked to be touched occasionally


• we like to eat


• we get emotional every now and then


• we get tired


• sometimes we just need a cookie


• that true love is hard to find, but grand when it happens


• sometimes we smell bad or just have that "not so fresh" feeling


• we enjoy finding money we didn't know we had


• we enjoy winning and losing sucks


• we aren't paid what we are worth


• sometimes, someone bugs the crap out of us, but not enough to kill them

But if we must divide ourselves into one or the other, let's use this one:

"There are two kinds of people in this world, those who fish, and those who cut bait"

Doc