Thursday, May 22, 2008

My Campaign To Warp Flannery Beyond Repair.

I never realised until tonight how much my relationship with Flannery was affecting her in a negative way. It almost seems like I have been her Charles Boyer to her Ingrid Bergman in "Gaslight". It turns out that according to her, I have been actively trying to drive her insane for ten years, not by my madcap behavior, or my drinking, but by my choices in movies. Again, according to her, I am responsible for introducing her to the FIVE WORST MOVIES EVER.

This is a pretty heavy thing to lay on a guy who has been your loving husband for ten years, has fathered both of your children, has labored to see that you are outfitted with the lifestyle that you have become accustomed to. I stand accused of ruining a small part of her life, and on reflection, perhaps I have.

In the stretch of a heartbeat, she rattles off a list of films that are better left on the shelf that I have made her sit through, and it is an impressive list.

First, is the film Beerfest, that I reviewed below. She said this film didn't make her throw up, but it left the vapor of bile hanging at the back of her throat. She went to great trouble to emphasize how she hoped that this wouldn't become a new habit of mine. Okay, the film contains scenes of blatant chugging of LARGE amounts of beer, and for those with a a weak tummy this can be unsettling.

Second, "The Kiss". When we were courting we both worked for a phone bank for a major copier business and it left me a lot of time to read. I would read the daily newspaper cover to cover and six magazines a day. One day the film reviewer recommended a film by saying, "It is a necrophiliac film, but it is a tastefully done necrophiliac film." I was intrigued by the idea that there could be a tastefully done necrophiliac film, so we went after work. She squirmed while driving, but we went. It was one of two theaters I have ever been to that served beer and wine with the popcorn and the candy. I had a cold Guinness and watched a film that is better left to the imagination. We saw it credits to credits, and when the house lights came up, an old man in a black overcoat and scarf stood and exclaimed that we should all be ashamed of ourselves.

Third, The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen. This was a turkey that Sean Connery did and it wasn't his first, try Zardoz. This film stinks on ice, it is that bad. No amount of multi-million dollar effects could save it.

Fourth, "Caligula". I rented this movie because Flannery has a degree in Classical-Medieval Studies and she knows all about the Romans. I don't. I didn't know that Caligula was an emperor who was a bad sort of guy, I just recognised the name and plucked it off the shelf. It had Malcolm McDowell in it, how bad could it be? He sold senator's wives as prostitutes to raise money and that wasn't the half of it. He was a nasty man, but I didn't know. I just thought she might like something Roman.

Fifth, her first response was "Last Man Standing" but in the same breathe, she retracted that. She stuttered and stumbled and couldn't quite fill in the blank and left it at that. I'm sure it will be filled in later.

It was never my intent to warp my wife, but I can see where a strong case might be built. In no way can I defend these choices, other than to say I was as only slightly more informed than she was, but that doesn't relieve me of my culpability. I have led her down the garden path more than once, only to discover that it was not the garden I intended, but I have two words for you:

"Notting Hill"
Worst piece of cheese I have ever seen, I cannot knock this film enough, and yet we own a copy of it.
I regret nothing, and if I cause her to go mad, well so be it. It is grand to keep a madwoman about, as you will never suffer from boredom, or a lack of good movies, but just as a good rule of thumb, let her pick.


  1. I see you still didn't understand I was trying to compliment you.

    A rebuttle is forthcoming...

  2. Uh, wow... Huh... Um...

    OK, time to speak troo and shame th' devil: I LIKED League of X-Gents. I also REALLLY liked Zardoz.

    I also like Fight Club, I liked V for Vendetta and, yes, I even like Caligula. I think Caligula took itself too seriously and is a bit campy and dated, but I think it's a perfectly reasonable piece of film and nothing to be ashamed of.

    Then again, I watched some of the brutal sacrifice scenes of Apolopycto (whatever that Mel Gibson movie was) and I found it really well done, albeit amazingly brutal (then again, from what I understand, these were some amazingly brutal people).

    A movie about necrophilia probably wouldn't phase me in the least... Am I open or just plain sick??

  3. Cap'n Ergo- I liked Fight Club. I thought it was cool to see Edward Norton was really Brad Pitt all along. I loved V, as I love to see a just rebellion. But even I couldn't sit through Paint your Wagon and I love Lee Marvin/Clint Eastwood movies.


  4. "an old man in a black overcoat and scarf stood and exclaimed that we should all be ashamed of ourselves."

    Yeah, a little projection by the geezer, seeing how he stayed through the whole damn thing.

    "The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen?" The one movie I've seen where the behind the scenes featurette was ten times better than the film itself, but that's relatively saying nothing. Extraordinary special effects (meaning the minatures and live action) versus an extraordinarly bad script.

    Forgive Walter Hill for "Last Man Standing." Some schmuck owns the rights to Hammett's "The Red Harvest" and uses it just to lure screenwriters to lunch, where he bores the crap out of them.

    Walter had to write around Hammett's story enough that it wouldn't resemble the original.

    I've never seen "Caligula" or "Notting Hill," having heard that both of them extremely bad for the soul.


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