23 Questions to See If I Can Really Love You, by Chuck Klosterman. PART TWO.

If you missed the first three questions, look here. These are not, I repeat, are not my questions. Best answer to any of the 23 wins a $25 gift certificate to somewhere.

Without further ado, let's jump right in.

4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla". Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and-most notably-a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.

You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

Turn on the Alice in Chains video and read the next question as it plays.

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear-for the rest of your life- sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

6. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evenings worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. If you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.

Do you still do this?

Like I said, these questions are a bit odd, but thought provoking. Please feel free to answer in the comments section below. Best answer out of the whole twenty-three gets a twenty-five dollar (American, not Canadian) gift card for somewhere. Multiple entries are allowed, and encouraged. The other seventeen to follow in future posts.

Doc

23 Questions to See If I Can Really Love You, by Chuck Klosterman

This series of questions comes from Chuck Klosterman's wonderful book "Sex, Drugs, And Cocoa Puffs". It is wedged between two stories, "The Lady or the Tiger" and "Being Zach Morris". My recent interviews made me think of this list of questions. The article has only this for a preface: The twenty-three questions I ask everybody I meet in order to decide if I can really love them.

I love these questions, even if Mr. Klosterman didn't provide an answer key. These are great group convesation starters, but you have to start with a pretty open minded group, as most of these questions are a little odd.

So, without further ado, question one.

1. Let us assume you meet a rudimentary magician. He can do five simple tricks- he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similiar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.

Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that-for some reason- every political prison on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed steel-toed boots.

Would you attempt to do this?

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.

Which option do you select?

Like I said, these questions are a bit odd, but thought provoking. Please feel free to answer in the comments section below. Best answer out of the whole twenty-three gets a twenty-five dollar (American, not Canadian) gift card for somewhere. Multiple entries are allowed, and encouraged. The other twenty to follow in future posts.

Doc

This Is Going To Hurt, But It Is For Your Own Good

Beckeye and Skylers Dad posed a few questions to me recently. Both had great questions and I really had to think hard to come up with some good answers that wouldn't make me sound like a complete boob.

Both of them offered to take some questions in return, and I felt it would be rude not to take them up on this, so I put together some simple questions based on their interests and what I knew about them. Apparently these were not as easy as I thought. Beckeye compared it to a colonoscopy, and Skylers Dad complained it made his head hurt. You decide if these were too hard.

Beckeye's can be found here.

Skyers Dad interview can be found here.

(Sorry SD, but I just couldn't get your picture to work, and that is a Damn shame, as it is a wonderful photo.)

This has been a fun exercise and I look forward to doing more interviewing. Would you like an interview? Leave a message in the comments section below. I take on all comers. Thanks folks, this was a hoot.

Doc

SKYLERS DAD ASKS & I ANSWER

A few days ago Skylers Dad interviewed my lovely wife Flannery, and he commented that he felt like Forrest Gump interviewing Shakespeare. He needn't have worried. He conducted a masterful interview that even The Bard himself would have smiled at. I know I was impressed. So impressed in fact that I was willing to submit myself to one of his hard-hitting Q & A sessions.


How could I resist? As a regular reader of Some Days It Isn't Worth Chewing Through The Leather Straps, I feel like I've gotten to know the man a bit, and what's not to like? He is charming, witty, humble, a straight shooter, compassionate, funny, smart, a family man, a veteran, a sharp writer, and an all around "good guy". (I hate to break it to you ladies, but there aren't many of them left.) With these qualifications, I felt like I was in good hands, but if he felt like Forrest Gump interviewing Flannery, I felt like Forrest Gump facing Mike Wallace and the whole 60 Minutes crew. I waited a few days for the questions and I wondered. Could I handle the glare of his spotlight?


Today the questions arrived.


Here goes:


1. I really like your series on folks I would buy a beer in heaven. If you only had one drinking companion (other than your wonderful wife) to spend the rest of your days with, who would it be?


You are talking about eternity here. The whole grand sum of forever. That is a mighty long time to sit around smoking cigars, swigging beer, and shooting the bull. I had better pick someone carefully if I can't spend this time with Flannery. It has to be someone intellegent and a good storyteller. After all, no one would want to spend eternity at the end of a bar with some numb-nuts who can't even tell a knock-knock joke.

• Socrates, but I think all the arguing and questioning would get old after a millinium or two.


• Bogart would be cool. He was a fantastic chess player, so that would give us something to do, and I know he would have some stories to tell, but I think he was more of a bourbon/scotch drinker than a beer drinker.


• My dad would be an excellent companion, because he was the smartest man I ever knew, and he really knew how to tell a story, but he only drank Jack Daniels and only when his back was hurting. No, I couldn't pick my dad because I know he would want to spend forever with mom and I love them both too much to keep them apart.


• Mae West wouldn't be bad. After a hundred years or so, she might relax enough to go topless, but after a while even her sexy quips might get old.


• Ben Franklin. Here is a man with a lust for living, a lust for women, and a love of good beer. He's smart, witty, and he could tell me about all the Parisian chicks he wooed while he was our Ambassador to France. He would always know what the weather was going to be like after all those years writing "Poor Richards Almanac". He would always have a good proverb, saying, witticism, anecdote, or fart joke on the tip of his tongue. He would just be good company. When Big Orange turned this blog over to me, I kind of thought of Mr. Franklin as something of a patron saint of the site as his quote appears in the heading. "Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy." I have approached the job of editor with him in mind. Who would you pick?

2. Speaking of drinking, what's your favorite beer? Or given a choice, what else would you drink?


I know this is going to sound odd, but that delicious French beer, La Pabst. There. I said it. I make no claim to good taste, good fashion sence, or a good chance to become the Queen of England. I enjoy all different kinds of beer, porters, stouts, pilsners, lagers, ales, etc al., but for my usual brand, PBR. It was a Gold Medal Winner at the 2006 Great American Beer Festival, which was held in Denver, and will be running again this year Oct. 11-13. Maybe you and GkL could stop in for a beer. As far as other favorite beverages go, I have to say I'm a milk/coffee/painfully dry martini drinker. I don't drink water. Fish make love in it. What's yours?


3. I have never believed in the notion of love at first sight. Lust, yes, but not love! How did you and Flannery meet, and was it love or lust?



Lust. Plain old Lust. Just kidding. I never bought into the whole "love at first sight" bit either, but when I saw her I knew, in my heart of hearts, that this vixon would having me craving her forever, and ever, and a day. I knew, that for the rest of my life, my universe would have a center, and she was it. As to how we met, She was a cousin of a high school buddy of mine. On July 4th, 1996 he had a party at his dad's house and I met her there. After a whilwind courtship, we were married ... (let me see, it was before Halloween, and my 26th birthday was coming up....) Oct. 25th, 1997. Never in my life has such a shining moment ever happened as when my wife decided to settle for me.


4. Since I don't know much about your family, tell us about your family, your roots and such.


We are country people. We come from Scotland and our name in Gaelic means "trees". My family plaid is blue, black, and green. We were allied with the Stewarts, who were the ruling clan of Scotland. Our clan motto is "I meant well". Our family is registered in a census taken in Virginia in 1667. Much later we traveled westward and got to Ohio, and decided that this was far enough. We settled down and ran a farm next to "Mad Anthony Wayne" in Licking County. (yes, yes, get all of your snickers out now.) The nearest town was Newark, or as the locals called it, Nerk. My father was a carpenter, so Jesus and I have some small thing in common. I hope that carries some weight at the pearly gates. My mother comes from Swiss stock. Her family name was Le Mons, like "lay-man" or church deacon, but in true American fashion, when her family got here it was changed to "Lemons". It has been a running joke in my family for some time that my dad married a lemon. I grew up in the country and spent my childhood hiking the hills, sled riding, looking for shapes in the clouds, and playing in the crick. (Not creek, but crick.) It was perfect. We got one radio station and two out of three of the network channels. I learned to whistle, spit, swear, and square dance. I never took any interest in sports as there was no one to play with except my sister, and that is no fun. We gardened, went berry picking, and made huge snowmen in the winter. It was a grand way to grow up.


5. You are stranded on a desert island (yeah, I know, real original). Which other bloggers do you want along with you and why?



Must you make me choose? O.k. You. You were in the Navy, so you must have had at least one days worth of training in "How to Survive on a Desert Island", even if it was taught by Gilligan.

Bubs. Same reason. Besides, this is like the island in "Pirates of the Carribean" where there are great amounts of rum being stored right? Well Bubs has to come as he has to make cocktails. Flannery. You did read the answer to #3 didn't you? And everyone else, because we need lots of colorful commentary on the comings and goings of our little island community. We could have wild boar roasts, fishing trips, basket weaving, strip tic-tac-toe in the sand, retellings of t.v. shows that we have seen that would be better than the shows themselves, ghost stories, arm wrestling, and an all island rock-paper-scissors championship, as well as hula lessons, and long evenings of "Songs You Know By Heart". I can't imagining the fun ever ending. I'm looking forward to seeing you all there. When can we all schedule a sinking cruise?


Doc

For Beckeye, An Interview.

Beckeye, from over at The Pop Eye, offered to interview me and who could turn down a pretty Steelers fan? I couldn't. So here goes.



1. This question has long gone unanswered, so please end the suspense. What's up, Doc?

Nothing much. Flannery and the girls are fast asleep and I'm poking around on the computer late at night, as is my wont. On Oct. 13-14 we are planning a trip to Chicago to celebrate ten years of blissful marriage and hopefully meet up with some of blogdom there. We have been making plans for the Tiki Christmas party, and last week we went to the Greek Festival here in town where I got to try an interesting Greek beer from Cyprus called Keo. (crunch crunch) Pardon my chewing, I'm just finishing a carrot Ala Bugs Bunny.

2. It's my opinion that there just aren't enough drinking songs in the world. If you were to write a new one, how would it go?

I have no musical talent whatsoever. Have you ever been in a crowd of people and they are all clapping in time and then you hear one guy at the back who just can't keep up? Yea, that's me. I don't think I could compose a song as I don't even play the radio well. Nothing I could write would compare to Tom T. Hall's "I Like Beer". It is my all-time favorite drinking tune. Click on the video below and turn the sound up a bit. The video is ridiculous, but they did get the song right.


3. Imagine that you are the star of a "Flavor of Love" knock-off show. You are Flav and we, your blogrolled friends, are all the trashy hos vying for the top spot on your list. What nicknames would you give each of us?

Damn! I should have expected some t.v. show question that I would be totally unprepared for, especially from a pop goddess like yourself, but that does nothing to lesson the blow. I've never seen the show, only the ads for it, but I think I get the gist, so here we go: *WARNING- these will be lame* Beth- Jasmin, Anandamide- Thor, Beckeye- Steely Eyes, Vikkitikkitavi- The Vikster, Blowing Sh*t Up With Gas- Guy Fawkes, Megan- Willis, Coaster Punchman- Harper, Deadspot- Fido, Elizabeth- Madame E, Evil Genius- Macro Me, Geo- George Jefferson, Phil- Hamlet, Johnny Yen- Iggy, Morris "Mo" Wanchuk- Bubbles, Splotchy- Freckles, K.I.D.- Sniffles, Lulu- The Out-Of-Towner, Cooper Green- Mr. O'Naught, Raven- Vincent Price, Mish Mash- Lauren Becall, Pezda- The Artist Formerly Known As Pezda, Flannery Alden- Sucker, Skylers Dad- Fur and Feathers, chris- Smoker Chobie, Bubs- Johnny Law, Tanya Espanya- Tittles, Tenacious S- Dave, Grant Miller- Ted Turner, Herbert Sebastian Crotch- The Organ Grinder, Dale- Spitfire, Frank Simarco- Maestro, Echo- M.I.A., The Boob Lady- who the hell could top that?, Two Can Anne- The Wedding Photographer, GetkristiLove- High Stickin' Ho, genn6- Dancing Queen. Wow! That was tough. I hope these questions get easier.

4. What is your favorite quote from a movie - one that you frequently work in to your everyday life?

The one I find myself using again and again is "You keep thinkin' Butch. That's what yer good at" from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I use it on Flannery alot when she spouts some hair brained idea that I just can't go along with.

5. I see on your profile that one of your interests is "the universe." Do you think that Pluto got the shaft...and do you believe that the decision to strip it of its planetary status will eventually destroy us all?

Yes, Pluto got the shaft, but I think it was from Goofy. Will it destroy us all? No. That's George Bush's job.

Thanks Beckeye, that was a hoot, even if it did take me all night to type it up. If you ever get to North-East Ohio, look me up. I'll take you to the Tiki Bar and the drinks are on me.

Doc