As every mother's son seems to be trying to get the highest post in the land, and for the first time this country seems to be seriously considering a woman for President, let me take this opportunity to throw my wife's hat in the ring. I think that this woman would make an excellent leader for our country in these troubled times. She is smart, witty, a Washington outsider, and she has a very clear and concise foreign, and domestic policy. As for what they are, you will have to ask her, but I'm fairly certain that they are clear and concise. She will be tough on crime, she will be tough on terrorists, and tough on the White House furniture. She will whip Congress into a well oiled machine, instead of just oily money-grubbing tools for the rich and mighty. She will be a friend to the working man, hell, she might even buy him a beer. She will assess a "sin tax" on all Mel Gibson films to help pay for No Child Left Behind, as well as having a call in show to take bets on how long John Mayer can survive in a pit filled with a tribe of rabid, horny orangutans.
All this in the first thirty days!
It is easy for me to volunteer this true red-blooded American Patriot, as I know that this country would finally be in the hands of an honest steward of the people, and I would have to do nothing but smile, wave, and try very hard not to moon the press at every opportunity. The job of First Man, or whatever title Newsweek decides to give me, would be a welcome change from mowing the lawn, doing dishes, and cleaning up the cat box. I could be a role model for stay-at-home Dads everywhere. I could say proudly, "Work hard, raise your kids right, and ride your wife's coat tails straight to the top!" I would have my autobiography ghost written by someone who can type and spell better than I, and I would be sure to hint at lurid details of how we "got our groove on" in every room of the White House and how we spent some quality time every evening, after a long day of running the most powerful nation in the world, in the Lincoln Bedroom with 5 gallons of grape Jello and silly string. I would appear at every state function in one of my many black concert T-shirts, as well as Ray-Bans, and Tom & Jerry flip-flops. I could speak at the U.N., and call upon the nations of the world to sit down and have a cold beer and quit shooting the unholy hell out of each other. We would limbo, form a conga line, do a few beer bongs, and then sign the "Tiki Accord" that would effectively end war and overpriced beer.
So I ask you concerned citizen, when the time comes for you to fill in a name on your ballot, think long and hard, and then vote for Flannery, 'cause it is about time someone you know and trust lives off the public tit.
(We are also considering Johnny Depp or Olando Bloom for Veep. How's that grab ya?)