On A Historic Day, I Voted Like Harley

John O'Hanlan: Harley, this is more money than I ever dreamed! Do-do-do you know what I can do with this much money?

Harley Sullivan: We passed some nice looking saloons.

-Jimmy Stewart as John O'Hanlan and Henry Fonda as Harley Sullivan in "The Cheyenne Social Club" (1970)

***

I hunted like hell to find the quote I was looking for from this movie and this isn't it. The film centers on two middle aged cowboys, aptly played by Jimmy Stewart and Henry Fonda, when Stewart gets a letter from a lawyer saying his brother has died and and has left him some property. The two of them ride off to claim it. They see the lawyer and he gives them a large amount of money and Stewart signs the deed. As they leave to go see Stewart's inheritance, they have a long conversation that includes the above quote, and while it's funny, it wasn't the one I was looking for.

Mind you, this is from memory, but it went something like this: "Harley, all my life I've been a working man, punching cows, and I have always voted the straight Democratic ticket, but now that I am a man of property, I might have to take a look at those Republicans." "I don't know John..." and Fonda scratches his chin.

Well today I voted like Harley. I voted the straight Democratic ticket, right down to the county coroner. I figured a Democratic coroner would be less likely to swipe gold teeth or tell their friends, in detail, about your "equipment". I didn't even know that coroner was an elected official. I know that dog catcher isn't, as in,"I wouldn't elect him dog catcher!" but coroner? I don't recall voting for one the last time.

I got some advice once that said that as soon as I was old enough to vote, do a little research and pick a good candidate and vote for him. From there on out it's easy, because all you have to do is keep trying to vote someone else out. Perhaps there is some truth to that.

While I was alive during the Watergate Scandal, I don't recall much about it other than seeing Pres. Ford take a tumble down the airplane stairs on TV. I know the country at the time felt betrayed, disgruntled, angry, and abused. I'm not so certain that we don't feel that now. I know I do.

Today I am of mixed emotions. I am worried about the future. I am hopeful, and am filled with pride at doing my civic duty. When I took the girls to school this morning I explained what I had to do today and Riley asked me if I was going to vote for Obama. "Yes," I said, "and in twelve years I'll take you with me." "Good," was all she said, and then went on to thinking about being eighteen.

I'd like to just fill pages with venom towards the boneheads who have created this mess for us, but I just don't have the heart. They are in the same boat we are in and everybody has to decide if they want to bail, swim, or fix the boat. We've tried bailing, and there isn't anything to swim to, so let's appoint a new captain and fix the boat.

While I don't know the gentleman above, I can abide by his sentiment. I think we all can. I know Riley does and she is six years old.

Doc

P.S.- The place Jimmy Stewart inherits is a whorehouse run by Shirley Jones and mayhem ensues. Watch "The Cheyenne Social Club" as I found it both funny and informative, not to mention highly erotic. Think of "Lady Chatterly's Lover" as a western with the Dalton Gang thrown in.

23 Questions to See If I Can Really Love You, by Chuck Klosterman. PART TWO.

If you missed the first three questions, look here. These are not, I repeat, are not my questions. Best answer to any of the 23 wins a $25 gift certificate to somewhere.

Without further ado, let's jump right in.

4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla". Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and-most notably-a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.

You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

Turn on the Alice in Chains video and read the next question as it plays.

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear-for the rest of your life- sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

6. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evenings worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. If you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.

Do you still do this?

Like I said, these questions are a bit odd, but thought provoking. Please feel free to answer in the comments section below. Best answer out of the whole twenty-three gets a twenty-five dollar (American, not Canadian) gift card for somewhere. Multiple entries are allowed, and encouraged. The other seventeen to follow in future posts.

Doc

23 Questions to See If I Can Really Love You, by Chuck Klosterman

This series of questions comes from Chuck Klosterman's wonderful book "Sex, Drugs, And Cocoa Puffs". It is wedged between two stories, "The Lady or the Tiger" and "Being Zach Morris". My recent interviews made me think of this list of questions. The article has only this for a preface: The twenty-three questions I ask everybody I meet in order to decide if I can really love them.

I love these questions, even if Mr. Klosterman didn't provide an answer key. These are great group convesation starters, but you have to start with a pretty open minded group, as most of these questions are a little odd.

So, without further ado, question one.

1. Let us assume you meet a rudimentary magician. He can do five simple tricks- he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similiar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.

Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that-for some reason- every political prison on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed steel-toed boots.

Would you attempt to do this?

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.

Which option do you select?

Like I said, these questions are a bit odd, but thought provoking. Please feel free to answer in the comments section below. Best answer out of the whole twenty-three gets a twenty-five dollar (American, not Canadian) gift card for somewhere. Multiple entries are allowed, and encouraged. The other twenty to follow in future posts.

Doc

Flannery for President!

As every mother's son seems to be trying to get the highest post in the land, and for the first time this country seems to be seriously considering a woman for President, let me take this opportunity to throw my wife's hat in the ring. I think that this woman would make an excellent leader for our country in these troubled times. She is smart, witty, a Washington outsider, and she has a very clear and concise foreign, and domestic policy. As for what they are, you will have to ask her, but I'm fairly certain that they are clear and concise. She will be tough on crime, she will be tough on terrorists, and tough on the White House furniture. She will whip Congress into a well oiled machine, instead of just oily money-grubbing tools for the rich and mighty. She will be a friend to the working man, hell, she might even buy him a beer. She will assess a "sin tax" on all Mel Gibson films to help pay for No Child Left Behind, as well as having a call in show to take bets on how long John Mayer can survive in a pit filled with a tribe of rabid, horny orangutans.

All this in the first thirty days!

It is easy for me to volunteer this true red-blooded American Patriot, as I know that this country would finally be in the hands of an honest steward of the people, and I would have to do nothing but smile, wave, and try very hard not to moon the press at every opportunity. The job of First Man, or whatever title Newsweek decides to give me, would be a welcome change from mowing the lawn, doing dishes, and cleaning up the cat box. I could be a role model for stay-at-home Dads everywhere. I could say proudly, "Work hard, raise your kids right, and ride your wife's coat tails straight to the top!" I would have my autobiography ghost written by someone who can type and spell better than I, and I would be sure to hint at lurid details of how we "got our groove on" in every room of the White House and how we spent some quality time every evening, after a long day of running the most powerful nation in the world, in the Lincoln Bedroom with 5 gallons of grape Jello and silly string. I would appear at every state function in one of my many black concert T-shirts, as well as Ray-Bans, and Tom & Jerry flip-flops. I could speak at the U.N., and call upon the nations of the world to sit down and have a cold beer and quit shooting the unholy hell out of each other. We would limbo, form a conga line, do a few beer bongs, and then sign the "Tiki Accord" that would effectively end war and overpriced beer.
So I ask you concerned citizen, when the time comes for you to fill in a name on your ballot, think long and hard, and then vote for Flannery, 'cause it is about time someone you know and trust lives off the public tit.

(We are also considering Johnny Depp or Olando Bloom for Veep. How's that grab ya?)

Doc

Caption This Photo and Win Big Prizes!

"No Phil, as your Doctor, I can safely say your genital warts are gone."
"I don't care what your press credentials say, I'm not speaking into your microphone!"
"So this is how you get the bannister so shiny. I just thought it was pledge!"
"This is not how you dress for a 'Fancy Dress' Ball Dave!"

or whatever you can think of. I came across this photo while searching for Friday's Tastefully Nude and I just knew there had to be a caption contest as well. Give it a go. Best caption wins a sticker book and a new bottle opener/key chain.

Doc

Tastefully Nude? The "Not" Hasselhoff

Well, it's Friday again, and we are here with this weeks entry for "Tastefully Nude". Last week this column was hijacked by a couple of lusty wenches with eyepatches and boarding cutlasses. I take NO responsibility for last weeks entry.

So tell me, is she tastefully nude? Or just plain trashy?

One for the Ladies. Is he tastefully nude? Or just plain trashy?

Enter your votes in the comments section below.

Doc