Sunday, September 16, 2007

23 Questions to See If I Can Really Love You, by Chuck Klosterman. PART TWO.

If you missed the first three questions, look here. These are not, I repeat, are not my questions. Best answer to any of the 23 wins a $25 gift certificate to somewhere.

Without further ado, let's jump right in.

4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla". Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and-most notably-a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.

You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

Turn on the Alice in Chains video and read the next question as it plays.

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear-for the rest of your life- sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

6. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evenings worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. If you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.

Do you still do this?

Like I said, these questions are a bit odd, but thought provoking. Please feel free to answer in the comments section below. Best answer out of the whole twenty-three gets a twenty-five dollar (American, not Canadian) gift card for somewhere. Multiple entries are allowed, and encouraged. The other seventeen to follow in future posts.



  1. re: the gorilla: how much does he want to play per year??

    re: the collarbone breaking question: there are no soulmates, so that question is irrelevant (besides,I LIKE Alice In Chains)

    re: the dream machine: most of my dreams aren't worth reliving, so it's a waste of technology and time.

  2. The gorilla gets what the gorilla wants. Sign him up.

    How long does it take a collarbone to heal? The moaning can't be worse than everything filtered through Alice in Chains. No pills thanks.

    I've always wanted the dream vcr but I don't know if I could sit and watch them with family and friends. But then, they might all leave if things got freaky enough (which they would). I think I have to live the dream.


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