In articles past I've mentioned a few jobs I would suck at, such as international spy, a hot lover, movie reviewer, work for FEMA, mountain man, fear councillor, singer or dancer, horror writer, a thief, being cool, writer of children's stories, cartoonist, typesetter, matchmaker, prince, animal rescuer, and yes, fashion model. Feel free to click on each in turn and learn how poorly I could do these jobs. Go ahead. It will make you feel better about yourself. And ladies, be warned, the fashion model one might make you reconsider how lucky Flannery is. It is that bad.
But I've been giving this a little thought here recently and maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way, like a pearl diver who lives in Yuma. Instead of dwelling on my faults and tasks that I am ill suited for, maybe I should look for employment opportunities that I am tailor made for, like shepherd.
I think I'd be damn good at it. Look at the picture above. Hell, I could do that. And the benefits would be amazing! Think about it. I'd always have a good tan and every day is casual dress. Look at the uniform. It would be light and breezy, so it would be great for summer wear, not to mention there would be nothing to bind or constrict Big Jim and the twins. I'm not much of a sandal wearing guy so those would have to go, but I don't think the boss is around very much on this kind of job so I could always slip on my boots when he wasn't there. I'd get to spend a lot of time outdoors and the fresh air would do me good. I'm a decent fire pit cook and I'm already pretty good with a slingshot as long as it is the kind with the rubber bands and not the kind you whirl around. I never could get the hang of those. Oh sure, the pay can't be that great but then your expenses wouldn't be that much either, especially if you developed a taste for mutton. Besides, it would give me a chance to finally learn how to play a mean blues harmonica like I've always promised myself I would.
I know we have all heard about what naughty shepherds do to their sheep, but with me that would never be a problem. I could never have carnal relations with something I planned to later shave and eat. I could shave and eat a badger, but I wouldn't try to hump it first. Not to mention sheep kick really hard!
As far as tools go, I've got all the camping gear and I'm sure I can purchase one of those long crooked sticks online somewhere. I might even grow a studly beard and just crop it off when we sheared the sheep. It would be something of a dirty job but I can't imagine the sheep complaining about my smell. It might become strong enough to frighten away predators. I'm not sure the company would pay for conjugal visits, but I will be sure to ask when I go for the interview. So if you hear of any shepherding jobs with a liberal policy on beer drinking, drop me a line won't you.